Luke Snyder's Blog
by Writer-N-Disguise
Summary: Ever wonder what Luke was thinking? Wonder why he never gave up on Noah when he had perfect reasons to? Well here's my version of it! There is also a sister fic by my girl Alex in Noah's POV. *Note: Rating is *hopefully* for later chapters.
1. June 1, 2007

A/N: This is not really a normal fanfiction story, as in, I didn't write the 'script' of it. This is sort of what Luke writes in his own blog at the end of, (or sometimes in the middle of) every day. Or every day that he is on the show. Most dates are accurate to the day they appeared on tv, though as some days were spanned over a few episodes, some dates are a little sketchy. There will be a sister fic, written by a friend of mine, which will be Noah's blog. Please R&R!! I would like some feedback so I know if you guys like it, or if posting it is just a waste of my time. Now while I'm rambling, I will go ahead and tell you that my girl Alex wrote (and still writing, actually) a sister fic in Noah's POV. Check out the link on my profile! Anyways, here we go.

Also note: Some parts that are not actually shown on the show, but are a given, will be included in here, though the wording will probably be more vague than the rest of it. (i.e. When Luke left the room to call Noah when he was late the first day of the intern job, or when Luke and Noah went swimming.) Again, the parts will be vague, and just fillers, but they are included.

Disclaimer: I own NOTHING. Not the characters, the show, not even the plot. None of it.

June 1, 2007

After another wonderful day of interning at WOAK

I reached across the desk, stacking and stapling papers as Maddie pulled out her phone, showing me a picture of us from prom. The only reason I had gone with her was because her boyfriend, Casey was in jail. We'd been friends for a long time, so I hated to see her have to go by herself. And, there was no sense in sitting around moping just because I couldn't go with who I wanted to. Kevin was there with Liv, of course, but I tried not to let it bother me. I had to try and keep a smile on my face with all the video clips Maddie was taking on her cell phone for Casey. I swear, she never put that thing down all night!

Trying to keep my mind occupied, I asked about some videos clips she'd made to send to Casey. But finally, the thought that had been annoying me for at least the past hour pushed itself to the forefront of my mind, and I told Maddie that I was going to go call the new intern, not bothering to hide the annoyance in my voice.

Maddie said to cut him a break, but I refused, of course. The guy had already missed half of the day! Oakdale is not a big town. There's only so long you can drive aimlessly around this town without passing the WOAK station.

I drummed my fingers impatiently on the counter as I called. The phone rang once, then went directly to voicemail. Must have turned his cell phone off. I hadn't even met the guy, and I was already getting mad at him.

One of the people who worked at the station stopped me as I was on my way back to the office, and handed me a large stack of papers to add the piles me and Maddie were already putting together. I told him we'd get right on it, and turned back towards the office, rolling my eyes. This would be so much easier if the other intern was here actually helping.

I flipped through a few of the separated stacks of papers as I walked back into the office, asking, "What kind of idiot turns off his cell phone on the first day of work?"

A voice from inside the office replied, "This kind of idiot. Hi. Noah Mayer." he held out his hand, but I was really not in the mood for a polite introduction, so I just shoved the stack of papers into his hands, pointing out that they were already an hour and a half late.

He took the papers, looking a bit confused and asked what to do with them. He had to be joking. What else do you do as an intern than file stupid papers all day? I told him to file them, probably in a ruder tone than I should have, but the guy was already getting on my nerves. He had been getting on my nerves all morning, and I'd only just met him five seconds ago. That really had to be a record.

I was a bit taken aback when Maddie stuck up for him. She didn't know the guy anymore than I did, and she was sticking up for him? After he showed up hours late, and left us scrambling to get all this work done by ourselves all morning? What the hell had I missed since this Noah guy came in?

She said she was giving him a tour, but I thought it was a pointless idea. He didn't need a tour. He needed to get to work. We all did if we wanted to get these papers done without staying into the night. She pointed out that she had been told to give him a tour, and that she needed to get Noah in private to tell him I wasn't as much of a jerk as I was acting. Ok, so I couldn't really argue against that. I'd just met the guy and I'd already made an ass of myself. Admittedly, he deserved it in my opinion, but it might help if Maddie could convince him that I wasn't usually such a tyrant. If I had to work with the guy for the summer, might as well not hate each other from the first moment.

It was only a few minutes later, I was taking the stacks of papers we'd finished to the filing room, when I heard Noah and Maddie talking in one of the rooms. I stood in the door way and listened for a moment. Noah was questioning her about Casey. As soon as the topic came around to where Casey was, I jumped in, asking if the tour was done, and telling Noah I'd show him the 'joys of filing.'

Maddie smiled, and thanked me. I guess for saving her the trouble of explaining about Casey, but I could see it bothered her, so I had to butt in. I don't know why Noah kept pushing it. It was so obvious she was bothered by it, why did he keep asking? This guy was really starting to be a pain.

I smiled back at Maddie and thanked her. After all, I'd hate for a jerk like him to hate me, right? But if I'm going to work with him through the summer, might as well make it as painless as possible. If that was possible. Turning around, I left her and went to follow Noah and show him where to file the papers at. So, aside from my moment of being a complete jackass, the day passed uneventfully enough. Maybe this summer won't be so bad…if this guy can turn up on time, and if I can convince him I'm not a complete jerk.


	2. June 13, 2007

June 13, 2007

Trying to come up with a story for our intern project

Joy. We got an intern project from the station today. Apparently it sounds like we can do just about anything with it. But the guidelines they gave us are so vague, it's hard to decide where to start with our project. Noah thought it would be a good idea to do short two minute segments….on cell phones?! How on earth did that idea come about? He mentioned some clip that Maddie had sent to him. But Maddie pointed out it was an accident, apparently supposed to be for Casey.

Of course Noah immediately jumped at the chance to direct. I think he said he wanted to be a director. I don't know, I might not have been paying much attention. He asked if we minded, but I definitely didn't. This whole idea sounded pretty dumb. And I wanted to have as little part in it as possible.

It took all of three seconds to decide that Maddie would star in it. Maybe I wouldn't have to do much in this after all. That would be a bright side. I could just set up the lights or something. I guess I was lost in my own thoughts. I was completely tuned out to the conversation until I heard Noah's voice, "Luke's a writer?"

The first thing that popped in my head popped out of my mouth, "What?!" I tried to convince Maddie that I couldn't write the storyline, but she practically begged me to, and then Noah said that I could write the emotional side, and they would take care of the main plot. How on earth would that work? They would hand me the plot and I just write in emotions? Yea, that would work……

Then they started talking about a plot…and aliens….Then started laughing about some old movie reference I didn't quite get. Honestly. Who watches those ancient movies anymore anyways? It was bad enough that Maddie watched them, but now Noah watches them, so I have to listen to them talking about the stupid movies.

This thought was interrupted as a familiar face popped in, asking if she'd interrupted anything. Maddie muttered a quiet, "No." I looked up and smiled at Gwen, and glanced behind her as she turned around and beckoned in a young woman she'd brought with her. She spun back around, smiling brightly as she told us that she had decided to finish her demo CD.

Maddie jumped up excitedly to hug her, and then introduced her to Noah. I smiled at her news. It was probably a miracle she'd decided to finish her demo. I glanced behind her at the girl, wondering how she was connected to all this. She had to be or else Gwen wouldn't have brought her along.

As though reading my thoughts, Gwen turned around and motioned towards the girl and introduced her as Cleo, pointing out that Cleo had gotten her started singing again. We talked a minute about how Cleo and Gwen had met, before I had to leave to drop off something for Kim.

Noah was trying to be friendly, I guess. Smiling as he said that we'd meet up tomorrow to 'smooth out the pitch for Kim.'

I just forced a smile and muttered, "Whatever." I still didn't care too much about this project. It was all really pointless to me.

A grabbed the box and headed out. I hadn't gotten very far from the station when I saw another familiar face walking towards me. My cousin and best friend. Jade looked bothered about something, and I asked why she hadn't come down to the station to pick me up so we could go to Crash. She said she came but then left. Of course, her reason for leaving was because everyone was 'kissing Gwen's feet.' I know she pretty much hates Gwen, but this was getting really stupid. She could've just came in, told me she was ready to go, and then we'd have left. No reason to say anything to Gwen. I told her she could've at least called so I knew she hadn't just blown me off completely.

Jade started asking questions about Cleo. It seemed like she didn't like the girl at all, but as far as I know, she hasn't even met Cleo. All this talk about how bad both Cleo and Gwen were was getting on my nerves, so I asked if we could just go to Crash already. She said she had something to do, and apologized but said she couldn't go.

I was a bit ticked really, but tried not to show it. This day had been utterly pointless, and I'd been looking forward to hanging out with Jade, going to Crash and just listening to some music, but obviously that idea was squashed. So I just told her I'd see her back at the house, and left to head home for a quiet night….or as quiet as a night I can get with two little sisters.


	3. June 20, 2007

June 20, 2007

At home in my room

Never again. Two simple words, but they were more than that to me. It was the promise I made to myself a while ago. After what happened with Kevin. After I told him how I felt. After he threw years of friendship out the window. After he got drunk and nearly drowned. After my very existence was ignored by people I used to call friends.

But that was before. Before my life started to mend itself again. Before I started looking at college as a new start to a new life. Before this internship I would start with one of my best friends, and some new guy that had moved to town. Before I met Noah.

How it happened so quickly, I'm still wondering. It happened in a clumsy accident. My fault, of course. I was carrying two boxes full of tapes. Luckily when I walked into the room, Noah was sitting at the counter and I asked him to help. He grabbed one of the boxes and took it over to the table. I guess there was a cord strung across the floor. Not sure exactly what it was, I wasn't paying much attention to what I tripped over. Noah warned me, but I stumbled anyways, spilling the tapes everywhere.

He helped me pick them up, but I felt like an idiot anyways. It would take me forever to resort these again. Time I didn't have. Time I was already giving to this company freely. Strangely enough, it was in this odd turn that everything in my mind turned upside down.

I reached for a tape, and my hand touched his. Just like those stupid movies. Just like those fairytale stories my sisters make me read to them. A shock, electricity, I don't know what to call it. Whatever it was, it was enough to make my breath catch in my throat and my heart pound erratically. I guess Noah didn't notice.

It was the strangest thing. I looked up at him, but he looked...different. Not physically, but just my perception of him was different, I guess. He wasn't Noah, the late intern who got on my last nerve with his talk of old movies and shameless flirting with Maddie while we're working. He was Noah, the guy that I know could be sweet and sensitive; the guy I wish was flirting with me instead of Maddie; the next guy that would soon encompass my mind, sleeping or awake; the next guy that I have fallen for against my will; the only guy who might feel the same; the only guy who might not turn out the same as Kevin.

I couldn't keep the slightest smile from my lips as we continued picking up the tapes, though I was careful to make sure my hand didn't brush his again. I kept glancing up at him to see if he'd noticed anything, but he showed no signs of having felt or seen anything. Maybe I was going crazy. It was always a possibility, but this time, I didn't think it was the most obvious option, though I wish it was.

How do I manage to do this? How do I get myself crushed, finally pull myself back together, and then jump right back up at the next chance to be crushed? Why do I do this to myself? Again and again. As though my mind is free from any kind of logic; the kind of logic that could keep me from doing this to myself. Again.

Yet, I manage it again. And here I am, wanting someone else I can't have. Someone else who will hate me the moment they find out the truth. Someone else who wants something completely different than what I want.

I tell myself, again and again that it will end the same as last time. But I can't make myself believe it. Because Kevin, though he'd been my best friend for years, had been a jerk, and I'd been too blind to see it. But Noah, he's not like that. Or maybe I've just blinded myself to it yet again. But the more I try and tell myself that he's just like Kevin, I know he's not. I have no reasonable explanation why, but I just know he's not. I'm deceiving myself again. I know I am. I've done it enough times, I should see through it by now. But I can't.

I said never again. I promised myself never again. Not after the last time. Never again would I make the same mistake. Never again would I fall for a guy like him. Never again would I hate myself for the emotions I couldn't control. But against my own will. Against my own wants and wishes.

_It happened again._

I didn't get much time to dwell on this, though. Maddie came in, calling herself a jinx and saying the copier was broken. Taking the quickest outlet I could to get away from Noah, I suggested he go with her to the copy place WOAK had an account at to get them to fix it. He offered to stay and help, but I insisted that he go with her. I just needed to be alone. Away from him at least.

When he joked about Maddie being a jinx, they started laughing at talking about another old movie I hadn't heard of. Noah laughed and flirted with her a bit too obviously considering her boyfriend was in jail. Why was he suddenly flirting with her? Why did he have to choose this moment, when every logical thought in my head about not falling for the wrong guy again came crashing down?

Then again, I hadn't really cared about him, or paid much attention to him at all since he got here. Maybe he'd been flirting with her for a while. Maybe I'd just ignored it, or not cared. That was it. I didn't care before if he flirted with Maddie, because I didn't care about him….Damnit…..

I was shoving the tapes onto the shelves a few minutes later, trying hard to concentrate more on the tapes than anything else, namely Noah, but lining tapes onto a shelf monotonously couldn't possibly hold anyone's interest for very long.

Thankfully, another distraction in the form of my cousin came in. She apologized for interrupting, but I told her that I needed the distraction anyways. She asked if I'd seen her necklace. I suggested she check Faith and Natalie's room. If they find anything lying around, particularly something that sparkles, they claim it as their own, but Jade said she'd checked and couldn't find it.

She started saying how upset she'd be if she lost it. I knew I wasn't in the mood to say anything comforting, so I just kept my mouth shut and went back to lining the tapes on the shelf behind me, until she asked if something was wrong. I shouldn't be surprised she asked. I'm terrible at hiding my emotions. Maybe sometimes I can, for a few minutes, from certain people. But I could never hide my emotions from Jade. She could see straight through me no matter how much I was trying to hide my emotions from her, so I never bothered trying around her.

But it couldn't keep me from trying to lie my way out of it, as the topic was not really something I wanted to get around to. I told her that I was just tired of being at the station. It was too late to still be there anyways. Of course she saw through it before the words were out of my mouth, and called me on it.

I still tried, telling her it was nothing. She wouldn't believe me, but maybe it would be enough to point out to her that I didn't want to talk. But no such luck, of course. Luck wasn't something that I had much of lately. Well, good luck anyways.

She said something about the way my voice sounded. Maybe that's why she could see through my emotions more than other people; no one else had really been as perceptive as to pick up on the way my voice sounded, so I finally conceded that I couldn't hide from her, "It happened again," I said simply.

My smile was forced, and she could tell, I'm sure. She asked what happened, and I told her that I'd fallen for the wrong guy….Again. Of course, now that she'd gotten me to say that much, I couldn't help but continue. I told her what she already knew; that after what happened with Kevin, I promised myself not to fall for a straight guy again. She said she didn't think I liked the new intern, and asked what his name was. I couldn't suppress a slight smile, and judging from the look on her face, my voice changed again when I said his name. I said that I hadn't liked him at first, that I was probably in denial, and wished I'd stayed there. More than anything I wish I'd stayed there.

Jade echoed that stupid old quote, "The heart wants what the heart wants," but I pretty much told her it was pointless to even try.She asked when I started to feel like I liked him, and I told her today. We both laughed a bit as I realized how much it sounded like one of those stupid spur-of-the-moment, out-of-the-blue teenage crushes. But I explained a bit more, trying to make her see that it was, or at least felt like, more than that. When my hand touched his…..It seemed like everything I'd ignored and denied without even realizing it just slapped me across the face.

A question started, as she tried to ask if I was sure he was straight, but I cut her off, saying that I was sure. He couldn't be much more obvious about liking Maddie, ignoring the fact that he knew she had a boyfriend. Voicing my opinions about wanting to just be able to turn off these feelings proved useless, as they only brought memories of the past that I'd rather forget. Jade reminded me that the last time I tried to 'turn off my feelings' I was drunk all the time. Admittedly, I still blame Kevin for most of that, though I know it was my fault, but still.

I assured her I wouldn't do that again; it really wasn't worth being drunk all the time. Temporary relief, and when that relief wore off, I'd just go get another beer. I gave up on that a while ago and didn't plan to go back anytime soon.

It was when Jade asked what I was going to do that I started thinking. A productive way to get out how I feel. The idea hit me as fast that sudden crush on Noah had, though I pushed the comparison from my mind immediately, as I rushed to the computer and thanked Jade for the idea, though she didn't exactly know what I was thanking her for. As I started to type, I only told her that she'd helped me realize how to sort this whole thing out.

Of all things, I don't know why I didn't see it sooner. I needed a way to get out how I felt without saying anything, and I also needed to come up with a storyline for our intern project.

I typed as fast as I could think, trying to get it all down in an outline before I lost any part of it. Noah and Maddie came in just as I was finishing the outline. They asked what it was, and I started to explain the story, before Maddie silenced me and said that her and Noah should read it for themselves.

My eyes lingered, probably for longer than they should have, on Noah's face as his eyes followed the storyline, looking for some kind of reaction to the story. I tore my eyes away and stared at the wall, annoyed at myself for still not being able to control these feelings. I found an outlet to put it all into, so why wasn't it getting any easier? Maybe it would get easier when I wrote out the actual script. When I put all the details into the script, everything. Yea, I'm sure that will help. It has to.

I heard Maddie saying it was incredible and I couldn't help but smile a bit. I knew it was a good, realistic story. Hell, it was happening in my head at that moment, but I didn't know if it would be good for this kind of media outlet. Two minute segments on cell phones, I mean.

Noah agreed with her that the story was great, and I could feel the smile on my face widen without my own conscious thought, as I muttered a quiet "Thanks." Maddie started talking about how the girl in the story was so afraid to fall in love again, but I interrupted her, "It's not that she doesn't want to. She just doesn't want to keep falling for the wrong people. She's willing to have exactly what she wants," I couldn't keep my eyes from Noah's as I said that last part, then looked back at Maddie as I continued, "Or nothing at all."

Noah pointed out that I was really into the idea, and I grinned a bit. I stared at the floor as I asked if it was that obvious. Maddie was still going on about how great a writer I am, but I was only half paying attention. When she said she felt like she was eavesdropping on something that was happening now, I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly, but just forced a smile and looked at her anyways. They apparently didn't notice my discomfort when she said that. I know I can usually hide my feelings from Maddie when I need to; I guess Noah is just gullible and doesn't notice these things, or he just wasn't letting on that he saw anything. My head was rushing with a million thoughts at that moment. The most prominent one, as I looked at Maddie, was 'You have no idea...'

It wasn't until Noah asked who my inspiration was that every thought or conscious effort froze in my mind. I just shrugged, looking at Maddie, then glancing up at him, slightly afraid to open my mouth, as I wasn't sure if I could speak at all at that moment. I pressed my lips together and, once I could trust my voice, only said, "Beats me." I swallowed the slight lump that had formed in my throat as I forced another smile as I glanced back from one to the other, hoping neither of them would ever clue in on who the inspiration of this actually was. Maybe this whole 'Invisible Girl" storyline wasn't such a great idea after all, but it was too late to change it after all that they had said about how much they loved it. So I guess I'd just have to stick with it. Couldn't be any harm in it after all.


	4. July 2, 2007

A/N: Hello again! If you've read this far, I take it you're very interested in Luke's version of the story! And I'm glad to provide it! As always, Noah's amazing blog is available, via my girl Alex. The link is on my profile, so you should go check it out!! Seriously, makes me think Noah should be the writer, not Luke!

Disclaimer: Per usual, I own nothing except the thoughts inside Luke's head. I don't own the actors or the show….yet. Alex and I are still working out the finer details of our take-over scheme. Will keep you posted!

July 2, 2007Trying to sort out way too many problems at onceIt's been a little over a week since I suddenly developed this stupid crush on Noah. I'm still trying to put all these emotions into "Invisible Girl," and he still doesn't know I'm alive. That should make it easier; Or at least, that's what I kept telling myself. But I'm just so nervous when I'm around him now. It's like I expect him to look at me, and everything will finally click in his head, that I am 'Invisible Girl' and he's that 'wrong guy' I'm trying not to fall for. I know there's no way he'll figure it out. He doesn't even know I'm gay, unless Maddie mentioned it to him, but it's not something that comes up in normal conversation.I could hear Maddie talking about some flowers from the network that were on the desk, and I asked her to help me with the sign I was trying to hang. We'd just gotten it hung when, of course perfect timing, Noah walks in, comes up behind Maddie and puts a cowboy hat on her. They start laughing and joking about getting matching hats.I asked what the hats were for, and Noah said they were getting ready for Branson. Of course, I knew Gwen was going there to perform, and that she would invite Maddie along. They'd been friends for a long time. But I didn't know Noah was planning to go. Apparently he'd been asked to shoot some footage of the performance for Oakdale Now.So they would be going together. Maddie still seemed pretty clueless how much Noah was flirting with her, but Noah would probably enjoy this trip….Why wouldn't he? Maddie's a great girl, and he's straight.I forced a smile as I looked from one to the other. I seem to be faking smiles a lot lately.Maddie said I should come, but I shot the idea down immediately. This was exactly what I didn't need. I racked my brain for a good enough excuse, but all I could come up with was that someone needed to stay here and 'keep the home fires burning.' Noah said we needed to work on the cell phone project. We would probably have a lot of down time to work on it, and we really needed to get started.Still desperate for some kind of excuse, I said that Kim hadn't mentioned it to me, but of course Noah shot down that excuse as well, saying that she probably hadn't gotten around to it yet. He said this place could survive without us for a week. He was right; we were only interns. The station wouldn't crash and burn just cause the interns were gone for a week.I was still against the idea, then Maddie had to plant another idea in my already screwed up head. She said we could save the station money and the three of us could room together. Damnit, why'd she have to go and say that? Now I couldn't keep the idea from running through my head. The hotel rooms always had two beds. And by the general, unwritten rule, Maddie, being the only girl, would get one of the beds to herself….Somehow, I couldn't make myself see this as a bad thing.I'd be in Branson, sharing a room, as well as a bed, with Noah. I couldn't help but smile a bit. The only part that ruined this vision: he was straight and obviously liked Maddie, who would also be there. It was mostly this last thought that made me turn down the offer again. I could tell Maddie looked disappointed, and I thought Noah did too, but I tried not to look at his eyes long enough to read into what he was thinking.Noah and I were checking off the last things on the list Kim had given, and he went to check on the ice, the only thing we were missing. I watched him as he left, almost wishing I'd agreed to go to Branson with them. Maddie interrupted my thoughts, asking why I shot down the idea to Branson without even thinking about it. I told her that wasn't true. After all, I had thought about it for a moment….after she mentioned that we'd be sharing a room, anyways. She restated the same reasons they'd given me earlier as to why I should come. All the reasons except the one that had almost convinced me to come along, but that's beside the point. The point was that I wasn't about to go to Branson with them, when I could stay here by myself, and try and get over this stupid crush on Noah.Maddie said she had some ideas for the main character, but I interrupted her and said she could give them to me before they left, and I'd write while they were gone. Honestly, I probably won't use any of her ideas unless they coincide with my own. Though they didn't know it, this was like my life's story, and only I could tell it the way it should be told.She asked if I was trying to avoid her or something, but I told her it wasn't. I said the timing sucked. Which, I guess that's partly true. It's mostly the company that sucks. Surprisingly, she caught on to that part immediately, asking if it had something to do with Noah, but she was still a bit off-base, saying that she knew he'd been getting on my nerves.I cut her off before she could continue and figure out anything, saying that I had to go to the pharmacy and get some medicine home for my grandma.This whole trip was proving to be more trouble than it was worth, and I'd only just found out about it today. But maybe it will prove to be a good thing. They will leave and stay in Branson together, I can get over this crush on Noah, and when they come back, I'll have most of the storyline written for "Invisible Girl" and I will be able to be around Noah without feeling nervous and self-conscious. Now that I think about, this part of the day actually turned out better than I originally thought it had.When I got back to the farm with my grandma's prescription, I discovered the problem that ruined the rest of the day.Jade was in the kitchen when I got there, and said she'd just decided to stop by and say hi. I smiled brightly; my first real smile in about a week, I think. I started to tell her that Maddie and Noah were going to Branson while I was staying here, and that this was exactly the kind of break from Noah that I needed. It wasn't until I asked her how she thought I could deal with these self-conscious feelings when I'm around Noah, that I realized she hadn't been listening to me at all.She said she'd been listening, and when I asked her what I'd said, she gave me the vaguest description of what I'd said that was humanly possible.She started getting really annoyed, and saying that she had her own problems. So, she hadn't come by to just say hi and talk after all. She'd come by to either complain about her problems or, judging by the way she kept looking out the window, hide from someone. When she said nothing was wrong, I called her a liar and she completely freaked out.Jade started yelling out our family always telling her how messed up she is. Did she honestly believe that I thought she was messed up? She knows that out of everyone in the family I'm the one who trusts her the most. Admittedly, from the way the rest of the family acted around her, the bar wasn't set very high, but still.A knock on the door interrupted what was probably verging on an argument, and Dallas was standing there when I opened the door. I invited him in and offered to get him a drink or something, but he said he was there on official business, which was a bit odd, as he was a family friend and was hardly ever there on 'official business.' I looked suspiciously from Dallas to Jade when he said he needed to take her to the police station for questioning. So these problems of hers definitely seemed to be bigger than I first gave them credit for. I told her I'd get my mom, but Jade said didn't want her to know about this. She said it would be fine, and there was nothing to worry about.She had to be joking. No matter what she said, she knew I'd still worry anyways.My mom came downstairs a few minutes later and asked where Jade had gone. I only said that she'd left as soon as I got in. She seemed worried about Jade, and with good reason, probably.I tried to cover for her, saying that Jade was used to keeping things to herself. It might take a while for her to open up more. She asked if Jade was in trouble. Damnit, I'm horrible at lying to her. So all I managed to say was a weak, "I hope not." I told her to try not to worry though, and promised to be there for Jade if she needed me, and then left so my mom could go give grandma her medicine.My phone rang not long after I left the farm, and Jade was asking me to come to the police station. She sounded really panicky, so I told her I'd be there soon. I couldn't help wondering why she had been taken to the police station in the first place; though somehow, I wasn't sure if I wanted to know, but I had to be there for Jade.I got the station and Dallas took me back to a room where Jade was sitting down at the table, her head in her hands. She jumped up and hugged me, and started talking, but she was going so fast it was hard to make sense of it. A thought hit me, and I asked if she'd been arrested. She said not yet, but this statement didn't make me feel any better. Then she started talking about the necklace she'd lost, but I didn't see why that was relevant at all right now. I promised that I would swear to Dallas that she'd lost the necklace a while ago, though I still didn't quite get it. She said Cleo was setting her up, but that didn't make any more sense than anything else she'd said. That is, until she said that she'd been advertising online for a look-alike to take Gwen's place. Jade said they couldn't find the website, but that wasn't exactly at the top of my priorities right now. What the hell made her decide to find someone looked like Gwen? I thought she was over Will by now. But apparently she still held a grudge against Gwen.She started getting frantic, and I tried to calm her down, saying that I never said I didn't believe her. I'm not sure that I do believe her, but I couldn't say that it was hard to believe either. But I told her she needed proof, and she started talking about Cleo's diary. Apparently the diary was just short of a map out of everything that had happened since day one, and planning until how she wanted it to end.Apparently she wanted me to get Will to find the diary, but I didn't have a clue how to convince him of that. He was still angry at Jade, and with good reason considering every piece of evidence pointed to her, so he wasn't going to give me the diary so I could prove she was innocent.The best I thought I'd be able to do would be to get Dallas to give me a search warrant. SO I guess I'll try and figure that part out later.


	5. July 10, 2007 Part 1

July 10th  
On a plane to Branson…….

After I fought. After I argued. After I gave _every possible_ excuse I could think of….I'm going to Branson…..And I wouldn't be going if it wasn't for Jade. She all but dragged me onto this stupid plane.

I asked Dallas for a search warrant. It was the best I could do to help Jade. Find Cleo's diary and, according to Jade, all would be explained. Dallas, however, wasn't as convinced as I was, and refused to even have Cleo bring the diary in. All because they had a suspect, an innocent one I might add, in custody.

Jade would've killed me if I'd told her what I was about to do at that point, but I had to tell my mom. I didn't have the money to bail Jade out, and I wouldn't be able to find a way to get Cleo's diary without her. So my mom came and paid the bail; admittedly, I had to practically beg her to do it. Jade was mad, I'm sure, that I told my mom about it after she asked me not to, but according to Dallas, the entire town would know by tomorrow anyways. Jade explained everything to my mom, but she pointed out that I'd told her the story already.

So, after we left the police station, me and Jade went back to Will and Gwen's to find the diary. I'd gone to see Will earlier, and seen Cleo throwing something out, and I'm pretty sure it was the diary.

We have horrible timing, of course. The garbage truck had just taken the trash when we got there, so we did the only thing we could think of. I hid on the porch, hoping Jade could pull this off as well as I thought she could. She was a natural liar and scam artist after all; time she put those powers to good use in my opinion. Lying and scamming, however, weren't enough, so I motioned for Jade to give the garbage man some more incentive. A few crisp bills were more than enough to get the garbage bags into our hands.

Unfortunately, having the bags in our hands didn't help much. The pages of the diary had been ripped to pieces. Jade was getting pretty frustrated, but I tried to stay positive, saying it wasn't impossible to put it back together. Just like a jigsaw puzzle. A jigsaw puzzle that could take hours, but we didn't have a better plan.

Jade pulled out a key and we went inside the cottage, pouring the hundreds of pieces of shredded paper onto the table. I looked around for the tape for a few minutes before I found it in a brown box. Who puts their tape in a box anyways? Why not a desk drawer like everyone else in the world?

We scanned the pieces of paper, though this was a bit harder than I thought it'd be. Some pieces fit together, but since she'd tore a lot of pages at the same places, it was hard to tell if they actually fit together or not. A lot of the writing didn't make much sense.

As we kept going through the pieces, one thought still bothered me. Why was everyone fussing over Will so much? Yeah, he's a great guy; he's one of my best friends. But seriously. Yea, he's good looking, but not the most astonishing guy in the world, so I decided to voice the question to Jade, as she was one of the girls fawning over him after all.

She said that he listens. That's a pretty lame excuse to pretend to be pregnant, or try to replace Gwen, as Cleo was apparently trying to do. Its not hard to listen. I listen to Jade go on about her problems all the time. But when I pointed this out, she mentioned that I don't like girls…..Yea, I guess that's a pretty good reason why girls don't fawn over me like they do Will……

A few minutes after this discovery, I found a piece of the diary that caught my eye. After a moment we found the other half of it; the page that proved Cleo had stolen Jade's necklace to leave behind at the scene. As ditzy as Cleo seemed, she was a conniving little thing…

I apologized for doubting Jade's story. Of course, it wasn't a hard story to believe, but it wasn't too hard to disregard it as a lie either, so I'd been sort of on the fence, only slightly taking Jade's side because she was my cousin, and no one else was going to take her side.

It was hardly a minute later when we found another piece that helped us significantly. A piece that said Jade would've ruined everything if she'd shown the diary to the police. I said we had to take it to Dallas, but Jade said we couldn't prove it was Cleo's handwriting, and we'd bribed the garbage man.

I didn't really see what was wrong with that. The police would see that it had been in Will and Gwen's trash. They would take it as proof and leave it as that. Dallas wouldn't let me and Jade get thrown in jail if what they'd found proved Jade was innocent. Obviously Cleo'd ripped it up and thrown it away because she was trying to hide it. They had to see the logic in that.

When I pointed out that it only meant the paper was in Will and Gwen's trash, Jade just told me not to go into law enforcement….still not exactly sure why…Maybe she just couldn't see my logic.

So instead, I just said that we had to at least tell Will and Gwen what we'd found out. They might believe us, but if they didn't, they'd at least given a second thought to Cleo. I said they were going to Branson, and Jade said we'd be going to Branson then. I guess my shock and reluctance must've shown on my face, because she said "What?"

I told her to go, but said I couldn't. I wanted, no, needed, these days away from Noah. To get over this stupid, for lack of a better word, crush on him. To get this stupid fantasy out of my mind that he would realize he was gay, leave Maddie and come to me. It wasn't going to happen, and these days while they were in Branson were the only days I had to convince myself of that. I wouldn't be able to convince myself of it with him around.

I just couldn't go to Branson. I refused to go with her. I couldn't risk running into him. Hell, risk isn't even a factor in it. If we were going to find Will and Gwen, then Noah and Maddie would be there with them. There was no risk. It was an inevitable point of the trip.

Jade sounded a bit annoyed that I couldn't go to Branson because of 'this guy.' I couldn't suppress the slightest smile as I pointed out that his name is Noah. She laughed and said it was cute. The whole Luke and Noah being Biblical names thing.

Though honestly, I couldn't see exactly how 'cute' it was. Luke and Noah from the Bible? First off, I'm pretty sure they weren't gay; Now that I think about it, Noah was the one with a wife and kids; and I don't think Luke ever married…..I despise irony with a passion.

And second, they lived in completely different time periods. Like thousands of years apart. But honestly, this wasn't the point I was trying to make to Jade, so I didn't mention it.

I told her I really hated to put all this on her, but going through this whole falling for another straight guy thing was not at the top of my to-do list. It felt like some sort of cruel game by this time. I fall for a straight guy, tell him I'm gay, he freaks, he finds out I like him, he hates me, threatens to beat me up, then I get to turn around and do it all over again. And I'm just sick of it.

Jade kept begging, pointing out that we wouldn't be spending the night. She said Will and Gwen wouldn't believe her if I wasn't there. I told her to have them call me. I could tell them it was true without being there in person. But she did have a point. Will and Gwen hated her at this point and wouldn't give her the slightest chance to prove she was innocent unless someone was there with her. And lucky me, I get to be that someone.

In a last desperate attempt to not end up face-to-face with Noah in Branson, I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Gwen's number. I got the voicemail, but didn't leave a message, and tried to call Will instead. Just my luck. Neither of them answered, and I was out of options.

I finally conceded and agreed to go to Branson, and here I am. Stuck on this stupid plane, wishing this flight would go on forever and I'd never have to get off and face Noah. I thought this distraction, helping clear Jade's name, would make me forget about him. Unfortunately, it hasn't. It just pushed him to the back of my mind, and now it feels like every thought of him in my mind is trying to make up for the lost time.

I just wish there was some way to convince myself there's no chance in hell, and to get on with my life. That something would just slap me across the face already and tell me to move on. But until something does, I guess I'm just stuck writing everything either here, or into "Invisible Girl," neither of which seem to alleviate the feelings at all.


	6. July 10, 2007 Part 2

July 10th, 2007  
On my way home from Branson

Who knew a single trip to Branson could put so many people through hell? I guess Cleo did. The lying witch.

Sadly, I wish she'd been the worst of my problems. She was the worst of everyone else's. I guess I should've been more concerned about it. I mean, I was. I really was. I was angry at the girl. She tried to ruin the lives of three of my best friends, one of which was my cousin, Jade.

The only thing I hated about having to go was not getting these days I'd planned to use to get over this crush on Noah. My only outlet has been 'Invisible Girl.' That summer intern project that I had to write for. Turned out to be a miracle, though I didn't see it at first. it's the only way I can say what I'm thinking. That I'm so scared to fall in love again….Not that I think I'm falling in love with Noah. Maybe I like him, but my feelings haven't escalated as far yet….Did I just say 'yet'?? Damnit!

Anyways, if not for fear that Jade wouldn't be able to clear her name by herself, I would've stayed in Oakdale. I wouldn't have had to see what I saw. What I wish more than anything I could erase from my memory. But it's stuck there, and was fluttering in and out of my mind during the entire day when all this was going on.

I'd finally found Will and Gwen's room. I knew Gwen wasn't at the studio, where she should have been. My only hope was that one of them was in their room, but when I pushed the door open, it wasn't exactly what I thought I'd see.

It was like a wreck on the side of the road. The kind you don't want to look at, but you can't tear your eyes from, so you keep staring at it. They sat up, and I didn't need to ask questions. Maddie hugged the bed sheets closer to her neck, glancing up at me for a moment, but her eyes immediately fell back to the bed. Noah just stared at me.

To say I was shocked would be the understatement of the year. To say I was hurt would top that by a thousand. Once my lungs fought to breathe in a gasp of air, I started babbling, trying to explain my sudden entrance. Hell, I don't know why I should've had to explain anything. Why the hell did they have to leave the door unlocked anyways? Honestly. How stupid can you be?

I had turned around when I felt my face turning red, just asking them to tell me where Will and Gwen's room was. I really didn't want to stand here any longer than I had to. I just wanted to find Will and Gwen, show them the diary, and get the hell away from Branson.

Maddie was babbling. Something about switching rooms, but I had to fight to keep my concentration on what she was saying. I turned back around when I heard her say that Gwen was at the studio, and pointed out that she wasn't there. I glanced from one to the other, not really wanting to look at either of them for longer than a second.

It was so hard to concentrate on anything when I saw them like this. Hell, I probably would've had a hard time concentrating if it was just Noah standing there with that towel wrapped around his waist, but seeing Maddie standing next to him wrapped in a sheet didn't help at all.

A hundred thoughts were running through my mind, one not making any more sense than the last, until I gave up trying to identify one from the other. Maddie picked up her phone from the table to call Gwen, so I said I'd check Will's room. Noah said it was a few doors down, and reached to get the extra key for me.

The white towel fell from his waist as he bent to find the key. I froze for a moment and felt my breath catch in my throat. I tried not to look, but I knew the effort was useless. My eyes couldn't help but skim over his now completely bare form…damnit…There had to be some kind of sick beings somewhere that had adopted torturing me as their new favorite pastime.

I swallowed the lump in my throat quickly before he noticed as he reached down to pick the towel back up. Did he pick it up slowly, or was my mind just going in slow motion at that point? Either one was possible I guess.

My eyes snapped back to meet his, hopefully before he noticed my eyes had been lingering on him. He handed me the key, not acting as though anything had happened. I fought to keep my breathing even as I took the key. A small, "Thanks," was all I could manage, fighting the smile that tried to raise the corners of my lips against my own will. So much for using these days to get over Noah…..

Rushing out of the room, I released a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding. How I got to Will's room, went inside and got back, I'm not exactly sure. My mind was still back in the room where Noah was. And before I knew it, I was back there, telling Maddie I'd go to the police station.

Noah volunteered to come with me, but I shot that idea down as soon as his words registered in my head. The last thing I needed was to be alone with Noah. I wanted to get away from him. Away from these feelings. Away from all of this. Not be stuck alone with all of it right now.

He pointed out that they might not believe me, but he'd been making connections at the station with calls, and getting permits and things. The last thing I wanted to hear was logic. There was nothing logical going on in my mind at that moment. So I just gave in without much of a fight, since my argument for why he shouldn't come with me couldn't exactly be spoken aloud.

With that decided, I left the room so they could get dressed…..and hit my head on the wall outside their door. I really felt like hitting my head on something harder than a wall. Maybe knock some sense into my head after that. Because even after I just saw Noah and Maddie in bed together, I couldn't honestly tell myself that I didn't like him anymore…..

I called the theater while I waited for Noah to talk to the police. They said Gwen was getting ready for the performance, so that was one worry taken care of. I know it should have calmed me down. I should have been relieved. But my heart was still pounding. Whether from this mess with Cleo, or from my, for lack of a better word, encounter with Noah earlier, I wasn't really too keen on finding out.

Noah came back out and I handed him his phone back. This discussion was coming, I was sure of it. Somehow we would get around to the topic of me walking in on them in bed. Surprisingly, Noah cut right to the topic. I'd never pictured him as the kind of guy to cut right to the chase. I thought he'd beat around it for a few minutes, asking how we decided to come to Branson, when exactly we got to town, and how we found the hotel.

He started rambling, and I wasn't in the mood to hear it, so I cut him off, and told him he didn't owe me any explanation. He mentioned the way I reacted, said I seemed mad. I guess I was mad at the moment. Seeing the guy I'm falling for in bed with one of my best friends. I was never one to hide my emotions very well, so I wasn't surprised he noticed my reaction.

I listened to him go on about me and Maddie for a minute before I cut him off again, telling him that Maddie and I were just friends. He, of course, didn't believe me. He asked if I was sure I didn't like her at all. I can still remember my exact words, "Yes I'm sure. I'm totally sure. I'm gay."

It didn't seem like such an odd statement anymore. Everyone who knew me knew I was gay. It wasn't odd to say it.

The odd part was when it clicked in my head that he had thought I was straight and angry at them sleeping together because I liked Maddie. If he knew I was gay then maybe he clued in that I was angry because I liked him……

I held his gaze for as long as he stared at me. My eyes were searching his for any kind of dawning or recognition. All I saw was surprise mostly, maybe something else that I couldn't identify.

He didn't seem as though he'd realized I had been angry because I liked him, not Maddie, so I relaxed slightly when he looked away again. This was just getting too crazy. Too completely insane. Too hard to hide for much longer.

His phone clicked shut a few minutes later, and he said that things at the theater were going fine. We stood in silence for a moment before he blurted out the absolutely brilliant line, "So, you're gay." I swear…Did he honestly pass any kind of English research papers with points like that? My baby brother, Ethan, could've gotten more out of what I'd said than that.

I scoffed a bit and replied in a tone that I hope told him what an idiot he sounded like, "So, you're not."

Noah mentioned that fact that I never said anything about it. I asked if he had a problem with it. I don't know what I was expecting him to say. Obviously he wasn't some homophobic person. He would've already jumped in the car and left me by now. I think I almost wanted him to say that he didn't have a problem with it, because he was gay too. But I knew that wouldn't happen. Hell, I'd just found him in bed with Maddie. I brushed away the unpleasant memory as quickly as it had come.

In some kind of attempt to lighten the mood, I smiled a bit and said, "Just don't say it." I didn't continue, instead waiting for him to ask what I meant. When he did, I added in a mocking voice, "Some of my best friends are gay."

We laughed, and he said he'd think it, but he wouldn't say it. He left to tell the Sergeant in the station that we were leaving for the theater. I rolled my eyes to myself as I went to wait by the car. This was getting hopeless. Why on earth couldn't I just get over this guy? He was straight. I now had perfect proof of that point.

It would end just like it did with Kevin. Somehow, I knew that wasn't true. And I also had proof of that. Noah hadn't just walked off without a word, determined to hate me for life when I told him I was gay. That had to count for something, right? I shook myself mentally. I was just deceiving myself. All it meant was that he accepted me as his gay friend. That's it. End of story.

So with that, we went back to the theater. Noah asked Gabe, apparently one of his old friends, how everything was going, and he said that Gwen was getting ready to go on. Noah said he was going to double-check some of the technical stuff ad left. I couldn't help watching him as he walked off. Well, the stage was still empty so there was nothing else to watch!

As I watched him, I couldn't help but wonder why my head was still so messed up. I had gotten the proverbial slap in the face I'd been waiting for that would tell me I had no chance in hell with Noah, so why did I still want him? Maybe a physical slap in the face would have been better. Maybe if Noah had acted just like Kevin, and left without a word as soon as I told him I was gay, it would've been better. I'm sure it would have. But instead, he had to be the nice guy. And being nice didn't help me right now. I only gave me some false, ludicrous sense of hope, no matter how much I knew there was none.

I turned my eyes back to the stage as someone spoke from the platform, but I was only half paying attention. But I kept my eyes on the stage, sure that Gwen would come out soon, relieving me of the nerves I was feeling. A hand touching my back startled me a bit, and what startled me even more was looking over and seeing that it was Noah. That would explain the chills on my back at the light touch. But that's irrelevant.

I noticed that I stuttered a bit when I asked if everything was set up, but I don't think he did. I smiled a bit when he said that he didn't know how he was still supposed to tape all this after everything that's happened today. Admittedly, I had to agree. This day was surreal, and most of it in a bad way. Seeing that this show and everything was going to go on as planned was completely crazy.

When he asked if I was going to go sit with Maddie and Will, I just said that I had wanted to see if he needed any help with the videos. I had definitely given up avoiding him for the day after I had to go to the police station with him. If I have to be around him, might as well try to help out.

He said it was all ready, but thanked me for the offer. I had to force a slight smile, beating down the disappointment at not being able to hang out and help him backstage. So he just suggested we take our seats in the audience. Either because we were friends of Gwen or because we were there for WOAK, we had reserved seats near the front. But when we sat down, we didn't see Maddie or Will anywhere, and they wouldn't miss this for anything.

When Gwen came out and started singing, I noticed she seemed a bit off. Just not really herself. Noah said she was probably just worried about Will. I wasn't quite convinced. Since he wasn't sitting out here, I had figured he would be backstage instead, watching from just inside the curtains. But if she was worried about him, then obviously he wasn't, so I told Noah I was going to find Jade and see if she knew what was going on.

I got out to the lobby and saw Will and Maddie coming in. Or rather, Will helping Maddie come in. She was limping and it looked like she was leaning mostly on Will as they staggered into the lobby.

I asked what happened, but Will only told me to call the police so they could track down Cleo. Of course, my cell phone would be dead when I need it the most. So I said I'd go get Noah. At least his cell phone would work.

As soon as I opened the door in the back of the auditorium, Noah looked around and I motioned for him to come with me. He pointed at himself, as if asking if I was motioning for him. Honestly, who else would I be motioning towards? That old man in the second row? But anyways, he got up and followed me back out to the lobby.

Maddie told us, or Noah actually, that she thought she'd sprained her ankle, so Noah bent down to look at it. I told Noah that Will had said to call the police and he reached for his phone, asking Will if it was about Cleo.

He told us that Cleo had knocked him out and tied him up, which honestly, I don't get at all. If she wants Will, why tie him up? Why not Gwen? Doesn't make much sense, but then, I never thought Cleo was a bright one to begin with until she set Jade up so perfectly.

Will said she was trying to get him out of the way so she could hurt Gwen. Ok. That logic made a lot more sense. I told him that Gwen seemed a bit distracted, so he left to go and see her; or let her see him so maybe she wouldn't be as distracted.

We followed Will inside, and I noticed immediately that Gwen was even more off than she was before. Though she was still singing the same song, which I don't get at all. How long was this song anyways? But that didn't matter at the moment. What mattered, was that the reason Gwen had seemed off was because she'd been lip-singing.

When I asked Will why she was lip-singing, he said that it was Cleo. I was incredibly shocked by this, really. When Jade had told me that Cleo could look just like Gwen, I really didn't believe it, but this girl had had me and Noah believing she was Gwen just a couple minutes ago.

Will ran towards the stage and I took off after him. But as soon as Cleo saw us coming she ran off the other side of the stage, trying to get out the back apparently.

Will kept going across the stage, but turned around for a moment to make sure the back exits were locked and call the police, so I turned and ran backstage on the opposite side as he chased after Cleo.

After I'd done that, I went to find Will in case he needed help with Cleo. I found them out back; it looked like Will was trying to talk rationally to the girl, though I don't see how he could. He was being so calm about it, but I could tell he was forcing it; he wanted to yell at her as much as the rest of us did, probably more so since we still didn't know where Gwen was. He looked up and caught my eye for a moment, and Cleo turned to look at me, but then looked back at Will when it was obvious I wasn't going to join in until necessary.

I was really impressed at the way Will handled it. He pulled the whole if-you-really-love-me part, and it worked as well as he'd hoped, and was soon off to find Gwen, though he didn't tell me where he was going, just to make sure Cleo didn't get away before the police could take her.

As soon as that was cleared up, I had the pleasure of dragging the lying little freak back into the theater, probably a bit rougher than was actually necessary. I found one of the back rooms where Maddie and Noah were, and asked if they'd called the police yet. Noah said they were on their way and asked where Will was. I only told them that he'd gone to find Gwen, and asked if they'd seen Jade. I hadn't seen her since we split up here at the theater hours ago.

Cleo started squirming and it was obvious she knew something, so we asked her where Jade was. Well, more like yelled it at her, but it got the point across either way. Cleo said she was with Gwen, but that hardly helped us. I hadn't been able to hear when Cleo told Will where Gwen was. Noah jumped in, asking her where Gwen and Jade were as well, and after a while she finally told us that they were at the railroad tracks.

After a few minutes, Cleo sat down and started playing with that stupid blonde wig she'd been wearing, until Maddie snatched it away from her. Though why she stood up so she could do that was beyond me. Her ankle was still sore and she was limping on it.

She sat down and Noah sat down on the floor to look at her ankle. And honestly, I really didn't want to sit here and watch this, so I offered to go get some ice, since Noah said her ankle was swollen. Noah said there was a kitchen a few doors down, and I took the opportunity to get away from this lovey-dovey crap for the time being.

It took long enough, but the police finally got there and took Cleo away. Jade came in as they were leaving, and I'm sure that if looks could kill, both her and Cleo would've been lying on the floor at that moment.

But that was the least of my concerns. I breathed a sigh a relief as I walked over and pulled Jade into a hug. I'd been more worried than I'd let Maddie and Noah know, but I was terrified of what Cleo had done to her, so I was glad to know she was safe.

And that was the end of our amazing adventures. Incredible how so much can happen one day. But still, after all this that's happened, after Gwen and Jade nearly being mauled by a train, the only part of it that can't get out my mind is the one part I'd love most to forget: the sight of Maddie and Noah in bed when I'd walked into that hotel room. I know I'm being petty. I should be indescribably thankful that Cleo was arrested and Jade and Gwen are ok. And I am, but I can't focus on that, no matter how I try. Whenever I think back over the trip, the sight in the hotel room is the only thing I can think of. More than anything I really just want to get away from Branson and pretend this whole trip never happened.


	7. July 23, 2007

A/N: I'm so sorry! I completely forgot this entry!! So I moved the next two or three entries down, and added this one in between. Very sorry for the confusion!

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July 23, 2007  
At the WOAK studio

I'm sitting in the WOAK studio now. Maddie and Noah just left, the latter giving me a brilliant idea, though admittedly it doesn't help me as I'm trying to get over this infatuation with him.

The day started terribly enough from the get-go. I really wasn't in the mood to face Noah or Maddie today. Not after the Branson trip. I still couldn't get the image out of my mind; the one of the man I'm falling for in bed with one of my best friends.

I know it shouldn't have surprised me. It was obvious Noah liked her. And I guess I should be over it, and him, by now. That should've been the slap in the face from reality I'd needed to get over him. But it wasn't. It only made liking him hurt even more than it did before. And it was killing me to begin with.

So I went into the studio early and asked Kim if I could have the day off, on the pretense that I needed to be with my cousin. Kim said it was fine, and I promised to leave a list of what needed to be done today on the desk for Noah and Maddie.

I'd just finished writing out the list when, who else, Noah walks in. Seeing him immediately made the image I'd been fighting to keep from my head this morning jump to the forefront of my mind. I tried to sound casual as I pointed out that he was here early, but I was struggling to keep my breathing even so I might not have pulled it off too well.

He said I was here early too, and I told him it was just because I'd come to write out a list of what needed to be done today, because I was taking the day off. I said he could call me if he needed help with anything, but I really hoped he wouldn't. I didn't need to hear his voice in my head. I already saw his face every time I closed my eyes.

Maddie walked in at that moment, and I told her the same thing I'd told Noah and moved to go out. She stepped in front of me to ask if I was okay. I said I was fine, and that I just thought Jade needed me today.

That was my only focus today. Making sure Jade was okay. A lot of people would've been traumatized after what happened, but knowing Jade, she won't be. But she might still be a bit out of it until this whole deal with Cleo settles down a bit more. I mean, its all settled, but its still fresh on everyone's mind. Its not something that's easy to forget. This thought only reminded me of something else that was hard to forget, but I pushed the image away for what had to be the twentieth time this morning.

When I got to the farm, Jade was already there waiting for me. After a few minutes, I realized why she'd been waiting for me: She was leaving Oakdale. I couldn't believe it when she told me. Why would she just leave? Just run away from all this with Will and Gwen and Cleo? It was settled. There was nothing to run away I know it was selfish, but I couldn't help but wonder what I would do without her there. Who was I supposed to talk to? Who could I confide in? No one understood me as well as Jade did. She always knew the right things to say. The right things to make me smile even when I really didn't want to. She always knew what to tell me; She'd been right about Kevin. He was a complete jerk and I shouldn't have wasted my time. She wasn't too right about Noah; I shouldn't have gone to face him in Branson. That hadn't turned out well; but even when she didn't know what to say, she always knew how to listen to what I had to say, even if it wasn't the most interesting of topics.

I didn't really know what to say when she said she was leaving. I was still trying to get it through my head, I guess, so I just asked if she'd told my mom yet. Perfect timing, Mom walked through the door and said that Jade had left her a note. Jade said it would be better for Faith and Natalie if we said good-bye here at the farm.

Not sure where her logic was in that, but maybe I wasn't paying very close attention. I was still trying to wrap my mind around the thought that my cousin and best friend was leaving.

Mom asked her why she was leaving, and Jade pointed out that, though she'd been asked to stop lying, she hadn't. She that after seeing what happened with Cleo, she realized this wasn't the kind of life she wanted to live. She said she felt bad about everything she'd done. It sounded like she was trying to punish herself for the lies she'd told; when I voiced this thought, she said no, that she'd called her adoptive parents, and they were willing to take her course, Mom said she was happy for Jade and hugged her. Jade said she knew she'd understand, but pointed out that she wasn't so sure I would. I was already taking pretty hard and she hadn't even left yet, so I guess her point was well made.

I told her I understood, I just didn't like it. I still don't. This leaves me with my parents and Aaron to talk to about my life. Somehow, I thought I'd be having more conversation with Aaron than my parents, or I'd like to at least, but I hardly get to see my older brother much. Definitely not as much as I'd like to. But that's getting a bit off track.

I was a bit taken aback when Jade said it was my fault. She said she'd watched me grow up. I hadn't realized I'd grown up that much. I guess it's like when people say that the last time they saw you, you were a foot shorter. You don't notice or remember growing, but the people around you notice. Jade said she thought it was time she grew up as well.

She told me to leave because she couldn't say good-bye to both of us at once. I only hugged her and told her that I wasn't going to say good-bye, because I could still visit her and talk to her over the phone. We weren't going to be complete strangers just because she was moving away.

While I was still able to hold my composure over the situation, I kissed her shoulder and walked, practically ran, out the door.

I spent most of the rest of the day writing for "Invisible Girl." I had enough new material to keep me busy writing for quite a while.

It was around lunchtime, I think, and I thought I'd take the script to Noah and Maddie. So I was on my way down to the station to find them….when I found them. They were sitting outside on a bench. Kissing.

I just froze where I was standing and stared at them. I don't know why, but it hurt even worse than seeing them in bed together in Branson. I guess because when I saw them in Branson, they were just….there. Everything that had happened was only implied. But when I saw them sitting there kissing, nothing was implied anymore. It was all happening right in front of me, and no matter how much I wanted it to stop, it wouldn't.

I left after that. I could come back later and give them the script. When they weren't busy….

Pushing this thought out of my mind proved easier than anything else. Probably because I was trying to focus on Jade at the moment. And partly because I knew it was over then. I would have better luck being struck by lightning in every country of the world than to have any kind of a chance with Noah.

A familiar voice met my ears as I entered the studio, and it only took a moment for me to realize the voice was talking about me. Maddie was asking Noah if I maybe had something called talent? Of course I had to make my entrance, telling her that that's exactly what it's called.

Noah voiced his surprise that I was even there, while Maddie proceeded to show me the amazing writing they had done for "Invisible Girl." A blank sheet of paper. Very original, I must say.

So, I showed them my notepad, stuffed with papers I had sketched out some ideas on, and printed off a rough script. I said it was a few ideas, and Noah pointed out that it was a ton. I guess it did look like a ton, but I mentioned that he didn't know what it was a ton of yet. It could be a ton of crappy writings for all they knew. Hell, most of it was crappy writings in my opinion. But it always seemed like the more I hated my work, the more they loved it.

Noah asked what got me writing this time, and I couldn't say anything. I just looked at him and felt the corner of my mouth raise in a half smile. But I knew I couldn't reply to him. I didn't trust my voice enough to speak, or my mind to invent a good enough lie.

Yeah, what got me writing was something I'd had to focus on all day, no matter how I hated to. I guess that's why the memory wasn't bothering me as much right now. I had let down every barrier trying to push back that memory, so now the floodgates had let loose, and whatever beings had wanted me to think about it were satisfied for the moment.

Maddie and Noah were talking about how great the story was, and saying they wanted to start on it immediately. I was shocked to say the least. I knew the would like it; they liked everything I wrote no matter how much I hated it myself, but I didn't think they would want to start shooting it now. That paper was only a draft, I still had some parts of it I had wanted to edit a bit, but it looked like I wouldn't get the chance.

After Noah told me not to be modest about the story, he asked me to help him with something. I didn't really need to be alone with him right now, but I couldn't think of a plausible excuse not to, so I just got up and followed him to a corner of the room, where he pointed out that he didn't actually need a hand with anything; he just wanted to ask me something and didn't want Maddie to be thinking about it.

He asked if the girl should be crying at the end of the scene. My answer was quick and definite. No. She didn't need to be crying. I explained to Noah that the girl knew that crying didn't make anything better. It was the truth and was the only explanation needed.

If I cried about seeing them, it would only make things seem worse than they actually are. Or rather, it would only make me look like I'm feeling more sorry for myself than I actually am. Because I'm not feeling sorry for myself at all. I'm just going through it. There isn't anything I can do but go through it. Plus then I'd draw attention to myself and I couldn't lie convincingly to them if I started tearing up every time they decided to….well never mind. Anyway, I couldn't tell them the whole reason Invisible Girl wasn't crying. I never will be able to tell them the whole truth behind most of the tale. My voice or anything else could give away the fact that this is truly my life at the moment. So I just kept the incriminating and unnecessary details to myself and tried hard to remember that I was just going through this and that this all should be over soon. At least I hope so.

I told Noah I had some stuff I had to do, but promised to come back. I had to come back and see my words put into our first shoot after all, so I just told him I'd see the finished project after they were done.

My chest tightened and my breath froze as he put a hand on my shoulder, smiling and saying that the story was really great. I saw those blue eyes locked on mine and that soft smile as he complimented my work. Damn I can't believe how much he torments me without even realizing it!

I kept my threatening grin at a suppressed smile until I turned my back on him, and called back a farewell to Maddie in probably the most cheerful tone I'd used all day.

It was probably a few hours later, and I was pretty sure they'd had time to finish shooting a two minute segment by now. So I decided I'd better keep my promise and head over to the studio to see how it had turned out. As soon as I walked in the door, however, I regretted the decision.

The two stood there kissing. Again. Did they have no shame in PDA? Did no one believe in privacy anymore? Really. As if everyone in the station wanted to see them kissing every time they walked into a room. OK, maybe I was biased……but still.

I stood there for a few moments in silence, deciding to myself that if they didn't realize I was there in about fifteen seconds I would just leave. But, probably right on the fifteen second target, they broke apart and Maddie looked over at me.

She said the segment turned out great, and Noah picked up the camera to show it to me. Maddie was talking about how it hadn't been too good the first time, but Noah told her to do it again, and just told me to see what I thought of it.

Before he started the clip, Noah looked up at me and smiled that damn addictive, crooked smile again as he put a hand on my shoulder, saying that they'd done it exactly as I'd said to. I think he said something after that, but concentration came difficultly when his hand was resting on my shoulder like that.

We watched the first take. It honestly sounded like Maddie was whining to the camera. Not exactly my vision. Then Noah started the second take of it. He was watching the video, but I couldn't help but look up at him as the first words of the clip started, "I see the guy that I love." I smiled just slightly and looked back at the video, watching Maddie pour out every thought that had been running through my mind since the day I realized I liked Noah.

The second time, she'd done it perfectly. Every thought and emotion I had put into words on that paper had come out in this clip. So maybe it wouldn't be too hard for people to get into a two minute segment. I guess basing it on real life helps a bit.

After they talked about how much better it was the second time, and saying it was because of what I'd told Noah earlier, Maddie suggested we celebrate 'our greatness' over pizza, but I said I couldn't come. I'd gotten behind on the work I'd meant to do at home because I'd written the script, but told them to go. Maddie pointed out that by 'our greatness,' she actually just meant me, and I laughed a bit with them, but still told them to go and have fun. I'm sure they wanted some alone time without me anyways.

After I practically forced them out the door, I thanked them, and said that the clip had turned out exactly how I'd pictured it. Maddie told me she had her cell in case I changed my mind about pizza, but I knew I wouldn't. I really didn't want to be around the two lovebirds any longer than necessary.

They started to leave, but Noah stopped just as he was at the door and turned back to me, saying that watching the clip had given him an idea. That the girl could do a sort of monologue, telling what it is about this guy that she likes so much. Then he left after Maddie.

A really good idea. What I like about Noah isn't really something I need to be focusing on, but it would make a great plotline for the next segment of the story. The only problem was where to begin.


	8. July 26, 2007

A/N: Hi all!! Thanks so much for reading this!! I'm glad people like it! As always, be sure to check out Noah's blog, written by my girl Alex! Link is on my profile, so go check out Noah's take on the day! (cough If Alex ever gets as far as writing this day. hinthint Alex!) lol. Anyways, enjoy!

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July 26, 2007  
After an interesting discussion with Aaron

I had just finished sending out a mass e-mail notice about JJ, and was about to turn off my laptop and leave. I heard the door open and slam, and looked over to see my brother coming in with a stack of flyers for the same cause I was working on.

He pulled something out of the fridge, and I told him I'd just send out the e-mails, hoping to get some kind of leads back as to where the boy was. When Aaron didn't say anything, I turned around and looked at him. Looked like something was bothering him, and it didn't really seem to be JJ. When I asked what was wrong, he just said "Nothing," but he should know by now that I don't buy into those dodges.

When he said that it was just hard coming back to town and everything blowing up, I shut my laptop and walked over, pointing out that this was obviously not about JJ's kidnapping anymore. He said it was just his own messed up life. I could definitely relate to that. He asked if he was being selfish, well more like stated it, but it was phrased sort of as a question. I said he wasn't. Hell, I was still more bothered by finding Maddie and Noah in bed than by Cleo going on a rampage. So if he was being selfish, then I must be some kind of devil incarnate.

I asked if he wanted to talk about it, but he said I was just a kid. I really hate when people say I'm a kid. Seventeen isn't that young, really. But apparently it was too young to know anything at all about the world. Not bothering to mention this, I only pointed out that I was also his brother, and a pretty good listener.

Simply put, Susan was worried about Alison and wanted Aaron to check up on her, which, of course, Aaron refused. Admittedly, I didn't catch on quickly, noting that I'd thought things were good between them now. So Aaron proceeded to tell me that they weren't together anymore. Am I the last one to know these things? And I still wouldn't know if I hadn't pressed him to tell me what was wrong. Yep, seventeen is apparently too young to know anything going on.

He wouldn't give me any details, but said that a lot of people thought everything that Alison did was his fault. I knew he didn't want to go into any details, but I had to ask the question that was bothering me. I asked if it actually was his fault. That might make a big difference to what was going on at this point. He said he didn't know. How can you not know if something like this is your fault?

But as he continued, somehow it sounded like it kind of was his fault. He started saying that maybe he'd jumped to conclusions and accused her of things. Then he tried to defend himself, saying that she'd done so many other things. But that's hardly an excuse, really. I just stood there and listened as he started saying that Alison had accused him of being 'smug and self-righteous.' And that she believed he thought she wasn't good enough for him.

When Aaron said that he didn't think that, I pointed out that he should tell her. In my opinion, that would solve a lot of this. Just to be honest with her and tell her that he was sorry if he made her feel like dirt, and that he had never believed she wasn't good enough for him.

What bothered me even more was when Aaron said that he wouldn't tell her. He obviously cared about her so much, and he blatantly refused to tell her. I said that it seemed like he cared about her, and even pointed out that it seemed like he was in love with her. From where I stood, that was exactly what it looked like. If he didn't love her, or at least care about her, this wouldn't be bothering him so much.

He said that he wouldn't tell her because too much had gone down. What an excuse. He might as well have looked at me and said, 'Because I really don't feel like swallowing my pride at the moment, thank you very much.' That was basically what he meant by it. If he cared about her so much, why couldn't he just get over his stupid pride for about a minute, or ten seconds. Just long enough to tell her that he cared about her.

Then he said it wasn't all Alison's fault. Without many details, I wasn't sure what he meant exactly. But either he was talking about a third party he hadn't mentioned, or he had finally accepted that this was mostly his fault after all. I really hope it's the latter. It would make things easier if he could ever just swallow his pride. He said he just couldn't let this go. I don't see how, unless its because of the details I haven't been informed of yet. Maybe when I turn eighteen I'll be able to know these things…..

And then the turning point of the conversation started. When he inadvertently turned the conversation to me, saying that I 'know how it is.' I just laughed a bit and pointed out that I really didn't. I started to say that I'd never had a long term relationship, but caught myself in the middle, and instead said something a bit more specific; that I'd never really had anything. Any kind of relationship, short or long.

He pointed out that I was lucky, and I bit back my retort. In my opinion, he was incredibly lucky. He had the kind of life I'd dreamed of. I dreamed of having someone to love, someone to care for, someone to fight for. Someone who I cared about enough that I couldn't stop thinking about them. Someone that I could talk to Aaron about when I was having these kinds of problems.

But I'll never have this kind of discussion with Aaron. Because there's no one who cares about me enough to do the things Alison has done. There's no one who cares about me enough that they are hurt when I don't treat them as well as I should. There's no one who cares if I act smug and self-righteous, because no one is that close to me, or cares about me enough to give a damn about any of it.

So instead of saying that, I just turned around and picked up my laptop, preparing to leave as I was about to do when he had walked in. He asked if he'd said something wrong. I said no, but decided to go ahead and give my opinion on the situation.

I told him that he wasn't willing to fight for the girl he loved, and I would give anything to have someone to fight for. Anything to have someone who cared about me enough to get mad at me, and yell at me. For someone who gave a damn what I thought about them. I said that I would love to have someone who cared about me that much.

I saw the thoughtful expression on his face after I'd finished, and gave him a slight smile as I asked what I knew anyways, after all, I'm just a kid. I didn't wait for him to say anything. I just left.

So now I'm just sitting in my room thinking about the irony of it all. He apparently doesn't want to be stuck in these relationship problems, and I wouldn't mind having the relationship problems at all. Having these problems just means that he and Alison aren't just giving up on their relationship. They both wanted the relationship to work, so they were willing to try and get through it. No matter how much Aaron says he wants to just give up and not have this relationship or these problems, I know he's lying. He cares about Alison a lot.

Its almost painful to hear him go on about not wanting the relationship, and saying that I'm lucky I don't have a relationship; because I would give or do anything to have someone who loved me enough to try and get through these kinds of problems just because they didn't want to give up on me.

After all this, the one thing that still amazes me, is that no matter how much I listen, no matter how much I understand, often even more so than the person talking to me, I'm still 'just a kid.'

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A/N: So? What did you think? Please tell me! I lvoe reviews so much, and they really do make me update faster!! So clickie the little button and tell me what you think!!


	9. August 4, 2007

A/N: Alright, I think this is the longest chapter so far, so sit back and get comfy, this may take a while!! As always, be sure to read my girl, Alex's version of Noah's blog! Simply amazing if I do say so myself, and you know I do!

Disclaimer: Alex and I have yet to complete our take-over plans, so we still do not own the show or actors, yet. As always, we'll keep you posted!

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August 4, 2007  
No, wishes _don't_ come true.

Why I told him how I felt, I'm still wondering. Why I even bothered to mention it. And why he kept pushing the subject instead of dropping it. I should've just kept my mouth shut, but I guess it's easier this way. I don't have to lie anymore. At least not to him. I mean, tomorrow will probably be the most awkward day ever at WOAK when we see each other, but still. It was too late to change anything now.

The morning started out simply enough. Noah and I were taking calls from people who had clues, or pranks, about where JJ was. Brad came in after we'd been at it for a while, and gave us candy bars as a thank you. Ok, so everyone likes chocolate, but sometimes I wonder if they give us candy bars because they think we're little kids who just need a bite of candy and they'll do whatever you say. But that's off topic really.

Noah was telling Brad about some call we'd gotten. The one about the aliens I think; I wasn't paying much attention. When he asked me about it, I just agreed without much thought. Brad told us to keep at it. Something would turn up eventually. He asked me to print up some more fliers and said he'd see if there was anymore news. I asked him to keep us posted, and he agreed of course.

As soon as Brad left, Noah asked if I wanted to trash the candy bars and get some real food. I just said I wasn't hungry and should get to the fliers. Of course it was a cop out excuse. That was obvious enough. I just didn't want to be alone with him. Okay, I'll admit it, I wanted to, I just didn't need to.

I started to walk towards the copy room to print more fliers when Noah's voice stopped me. I turned and looked at him. He asked if I was alright; said I seemed quiet. As if that was anything other than normal really. Since we got back from Branson, I hardly spoke to him or Maddie much. No more than necessary, really.

He asked if there was something else wrong, and I didn't say anything for a minute. What could I say? I wanted to tell him then; that the reason I was acting weird was because I liked him. Because seeing him and Maddie in bed was probably the most painful moment of my life. But I couldn't say that to him. Not now, at least.

My hands were shoved in my pockets, and I turned away from him. I couldn't look him in the eye when I said that I was just messed up over JJ; that it was nothing personal. I hated lying to him. Because it was something personal, but I couldn't bring myself to say it. He apologized, saying that not everything was about him. I held in a laugh, only scoffing slightly as I turned back around and told him it was alright.

Rational thought was becoming more difficult with every word he said. So, of course, after that, I was ready to get away from him, and said I needed to get to the fliers. He stopped be again and said he could help me with them, saying he could put some up in some parts of town that hadn't been hit yet. He asked about the University, saying it would be a great way to get to know the campus; but I said I was sure it had been covered and asked why he was wanted to get to know the campus anyways.

Maddie chose this moment to walk over, Noah's arm going around her as if it was a habit by now. I dismissed the thought as soon as it had come, and pointed out that I thought Noah was going to North Western. I looked from him to Maddie, hoping one of them had the answer.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I really wish he was going to North Western. The day he left for college has been my only ray of hope in this hell of an internship. I wouldn't have to see him again. Period. But now, I'll probably run into him on the campus. And he's trying so hard to be friends with me, he'll probably stop when he sees me to talk. So much for getting away from him at the end of the summer.

Noah said that his dad wouldn't pay his tuition unless he enlisted in the military first. Before I could comment, Maddie asked Noah if his dad had changed his mind. Just from that look Maddie was giving him, I took my cue to leave. I really hate being around them when they're like that.

I left as quickly as I could. I'd just gotten to the door of the studio when I realized I'd forgotten the fliers, so I turned to go back. Those cursed sick beings were enjoying tormenting me yet again. Maddie and Noah were, of course, kissing when I came back into the room. I froze for a second, more out of hurt than shock. I got over the shock a while ago. Anyways, I picked up the fliers, and shot them another glare before I turned and left again.

I finished with the fliers and went back to the phone lines for a while, before Kim gave me a couple videos to edit. I was on my way back to the editing room when I ran into Noah again. I gave him the videos and told them Kim wanted us to edit them. He seemed pretty excited about it. More excited than I was to edit these videos.

So I just told him to take the first shot, and show me the rough cut. That's when he started to get a bit annoyed. Oddly enough, that's when the strangest conversation I've ever had with him started. He said that I'd been looking for reasons to avoid working with him the entire day, which I guess that's true. If he was on the phone lines, I'd volunteer to go hang fliers, and vice versa. But it was only cause I really didn't need to be around him at this point. Somehow, these feelings had gotten stronger, with no reason behind it. My head had been spinning the entire day, well, probably the entire week now that I think about it. It was just getting harder to be around him. I wanted to tell him how I felt, though I knew nothing would come of it. I wanted to tell him more than anything…..

He asked if he'd done something, but I said no, and told him just to get me when he had a cut he wanted me to see. I tried to walk past him, but he stepped in front of me, of course not letting the subject drop. He asked why I was mad at him, and I said I wasn't. I walked past him, and he didn't step in front of me, but I felt his hand on my arm and I froze against my will, my back turned to him. I heard him ask why I kept treating him like he had the plague. And then he had to ask it. The question that completely threw me for a loop, and turned our whole friendship, however faint and fragile it was, upside-down.

"Do you just not like me?" I can still hear his voice echoing the words in my head. I took a breath, and couldn't keep a faint smile from my face. My voice came out barely louder than a whisper when I told him no, and that I liked him. My head was still spinning and I could hardly believe I had said it. I'm still not sure what made me say it. I guess when he asked that, it was the first thing that popped into my head, and I just said it. No rational thought process or reaction of consequences present in my mind.

He asked then why I kept pushing him away. It was annoying really. I had just told him how I felt about him, why I had been acting weird, what had been running through my mind for weeks, and he didn't get it!! He thought I meant as a friend, I guess, or as a co-worker. Something other than what I was thinking. Seemed like he was going to make this difficult for me. I turned around and looked at him. I started to say it, but paused; trying to gather what was left of my nerve, I guess, and repeated myself, this time looking him straight in the eye, with a small, probably nervous smile on my lips.

I saw him nodding a bit, as if to say he understood, then, well, he really understood. A look of dawning comprehension touched his face. It was hard to read his expression, really. Shock was the first thing that came to mind, but I could decipher little else from his expression. As soon as I saw he understood exactly what I meant, I nodded a bit, and pointed out that he had the right idea, though neither of us had to say it aloud. I watched his eyes fall to the floor for a second before they met my gaze again.

I'm still not sure what I was expecting. I wanted him to say something, not just stare at me like that. But I'm not sure what I expected, or wanted him to say. Actually, I know what I wanted him to say, but I expected something completely different. What I didn't expect, when I turned back around, not really wanting to face him, was to hear him ask, or more like state, that the reason I'd been avoiding him was because I was attracted to him.

Of course, I'd hoped he would just drop it. Just have an awkward moment when he would say he'd go get started editing the tapes for Kim, and leave me. Alone. But then, I never took Noah as one to pick up on the more than obvious hints like this. I just put down the pen I was using and pointed out, a bit sarcastically, that he must be glad he even asked. I leaned against the desk and said that I should've just kept my mouth shut. How I wish I'd just kept my mouth shut and just avoided this whole thing. I added that he must be totally freaked out at that moment. He said he wasn't. Now that I'm thinking about it, I think he said it a bit too quickly, but maybe my mind was just in fast forward, so it sounded that way. Time never seems to go at the pace it's actually supposed to in these moments. It's either unbearably slow, or so fast you forget every bit of it. But I couldn't forget a word of this conversation if I tried….

I turned back to face him again. Now that I'd said it, I figured I might as well go full out with this whole honesty thing. I told how tired I was of the hiding and lying, and said that I was through with it. He stuttered just slightly for a millisecond when he mentioned that he was glad I said something. And then said that he hoped he hadn't done anything to make me think otherwise, but he wasn't gay. I didn't say anything for a moment. I knew he wasn't gay. I'd known it for a while. I guess it was just so much different to hear him actually say it.

Thankfully it only took me a moment to recover, and I reminded him that I knew he was gay; that I'd gotten that point perfectly when I walked in on him and Maddie in bed. Staring past him, I walked to the counter on the opposite side of the room to set down the clipboard I'd been writing on, seriously hoping that he would drop this subject soon. Of course, he didn't.

He asked if we couldn't be in the same room, or be friends or anything because he's not gay. I told him to just admit that he was uncomfortable around me. Why wouldn't he be? Any other straight guy who had a gay friend tell him that he liked him would feel uncomfortable, and probably not want to be friends anymore, right?

But Noah just pointed out that I was the one who couldn't look him in the eyes. So, if for no other reason than just to prove him wrong, I turned around to face him and my eyes widened, exaggerating the point that I was looking him in the eyes. That point proven, Noah moved onto the next, asking why I'd been acting so angry towards him.

I just rolled my eyes, and here the explanations started rolling. I said he'd been in Oakdale just a couple weeks, and he'd already met Maddie. I said she's a great girl, and she is, she's one of my best friends, but I added that it was just so easy for him. I started to say what happened when I fell for someone, but I let my voice trail off, and instead said that I'd lived in Oakdale my entire life, often feeling like the only gay guy in town.

So Noah had to start talking logic and statistics. Stupid directors think they have to be smarter than everyone, pointing out that ten percent of the population is gay. I countered, asking him how many of them were out. Then I continued, saying that if he wanted to meet a girl, it was easy; he could go just about anywhere and find someone. And I asked him, a bit sarcastically really, what I should do. Hand out a questionnaire whenever I meet someone?

Then I saw that look. The look I knew all too well whenever someone forced me to talk about my nonexistent love life. The stupid look of pity, because people think I will never have any kind of relationship. I told him not to look at me like that, and he asked what meant. I put on a mock voice and said, "Poor gay Luke, he's gonna be alone the rest of his life."

Of course, he said that wasn't what he was thinking and I scoffed a bit. I'd seen the expression too often to not know what it meant. So I asked him what he'd been thinking instead. Now that I'm thinking about it, he didn't actually answer my question, which kinda makes me think that that was exactly what he was thinking at the time. But he just started trying to prove that that wasn't what he was thinking, which really hurt more than helped.

He started saying that I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life alone, and of course, listing the reasons why. Starting with pointing out that I'm smart and funny, but I cut him off before he could continue. I picked up the clipboard again and pushed back him back to the other counter, telling him to just stop, that he was making it a lot worse. Which, of course, he was. I knew I'd never have a chance with him at all, so listening to him tell me how great I am really wasn't helping me. If I was so great, then why couldn't he consider the possibility of us? But I threw that thought out of my mind the moment it entered. Not the kind of thing I needed to be focusing on at that very second.

He apologized, but I don't think he knew exactly what he was apologizing for, and I wasn't going to point it out to him. I could hear his footsteps as he followed me back over to the counter I was leaning against, my back to him as I tried to gather my nerve yet again so I could turn around and face him.

Noah didn't say anything, and I still felt like I had a lot of stuff to get off my chest. He probably wondered why I liked him, even though he was straight. Though I couldn't explain that very well, I had to try and explain something; somehow make him see what was going through my mind. I told him he had no idea how this felt. At that moment I didn't think anyone knew how I felt. I said that I'm the only gay guy a lot of people in the town know. Of course, being the smart director, he had to point out, once again, that statistics argued against me.

It annoyed me just a bit, and I turned around and conceded that he wasn't going to give up on that damn ten percent of the population, and instead said that I'm the only gay guy that the people know they know. I can't remember explaining how this felt to anyone, at least not with such ease. But here I was spilling out everything that made being a gay guy in this town difficult.

I told him that I felt like a poster child for the cause. I told him that coming out was, sort of a responsibility. It became one, anyways. People looked at me, and judged me all the time. If I messed up, I was completely convinced that someone would decide to hate all gay people for life. Like it would become a stereotype for all gay people. I told him that it could get pretty hard. And he agreed, or rather, I think he was just humoring me; I don't think he actually understood where I was coming from.

It sounds like I'm being dramatic from the outside, I guess. But things always seem more dramatic in your head than they do in real life. Hell, I've been driving myself crazy over Noah for weeks, but from the outside, we're just two co-workers. Nothing more, nothing less. No drama. Until today, that it. As if I need more drama to add to my already screwed-up mind.

Continuing, I said that I couldn't just relax. I was trying to explain how it felt, I guess, but I'm not sure if he got it or not. Maybe after he thinks about it it will make more sense. But how do I even know he's going to think about it? For all I know, he may have forgotten the entire thing by now, but I guess it doesn't matter anyways.

I turned back around to the counter, just adding that it sucks. It always has, for the most part, but that's off track. Noah's voice sounded a bit more thoughtful as he replied, saying that he knew exactly what I mean. I guess maybe he does it, to an extent anyways. I guess with a dad in the military, he knew what it was like to be judged, and not be able to just relax sometimes. Maybe I hadn't given him enough credit before, he did seem to at least know what I was talking about in a sense.

Conceding that we wouldn't be dropping this conversation anytime soon, I grabbed a couple drinks out of the fridge and went to sit down at the table, handing one of the drinks to Noah. He told me he was army brat, and traveled a lot. I personally thought that sounded great, and pointed it out, adding that he got to see a lot of places. He agreed sarcastically and named off a few army bases that I can't quite remember the names of.

Anyways, I looked at him a bit incredulously, asking if he was implying that he knew how I felt because he moved around a lot. Somehow, that just didn't make much sense to me. All he said was that he knew what it meant to be alone. I just shrugged and pointed out that everyone in the bases was moving around as much as he was; they were all in the same boat so to speak. He tried to defend his point, saying that everyone knew not to get to comfortable, or too close to someone. Because either they would move away, or you would.

The reason he was trying to prove his point seemed obvious, so I just cut straight to what he it seemed like he was trying to imply, and said that I wasn't attracted to him because he was lonely. I picked up my drink and walked back over to the counter. I could tell he had gotten up to walk over to me when I heard his voice moving as he replied, saying that it was obviously not his personality, as I hardly knew him.

I laughed a bit and agreed, saying that when him and Maddie were talking about old movies, it was like I was reading the sports page. I added that we sort of spoke different languages. It was the only way to describe it, really. Noah said that we were communicating pretty well at that moment, and I guess I would have to agree with that. This was probably the longest conversation I'd had with him. Admittedly, the topic got a bit awkward at moments, but still.

I felt a bit unsure then; I could tell we were getting back to the awkward moments part of the conversation. And of course, he repeated what he'd said earlier, that he was glad I said something. I just sort of agreed with him, really wanting him to just drop it already. I hoped that would be the end of the conversation. I kept trying to make sure my comments left little room for reply, but he always seemed to find a way to reply anyways.

He asked if I was going to go back to avoiding him again, and I didn't really know what to say. Was I supposed to avoid him now? The only person I'd had this experience with was Kevin, and Kevin had made that decision. I really didn't want to make the same decision with Noah that Kevin had with me, but I didn't want to hang around with him if it was going to be awkward all the time. Instead of giving an actual answer, I just asked him if he wanted me to go back to avoiding him.

His answer was a bit surprising, actually. I don't know what I'd been expecting, but it certainly wasn't for him to say that he wanted some real friends. I asked if he meant that he wanted us to be friends. I think my voice might have come out a bit quieter than I meant it to; somehow breathing took more effort than normal at this point.

I guess I wanted him to say what I couldn't. I didn't want to be just friends with him, but at this point, that would be the only way I could see him other than at work. I couldn't say that I wanted to be friends, because I didn't. And I didn't think we really could. But if he said he wanted us to be friends, then maybe I'd be able to figure out a way to make it work. But of course, he just threw the decision back at me, and I couldn't tell him that I wanted to be friends.

I told him that I didn't really think we could be friends. I hated saying it. It meant that I'd only get to see him at work. I wouldn't hang out with him and Maddie outside of WOAK at all. But I knew it was probably the best decision at this point. He why we couldn't, and I raised my eyebrows a bit as I asked him if he really wanted to know. I was pretty sure he didn't, but since he said that he did, I told him anyways. About Kevin.

Retelling the story was like reliving it; I told Noah that Kevin and I had been best friends for years, then I told him I was gay. To make a long story short, I just ended it by saying that we weren't friends anymore. Noah asked what it had to do with him, and I told him I didn't want the same things to happen again.

He made the obvious point that he wasn't Kevin, and I said that he was still unavailable. He gave me a sort of odd look, and I didn't quite get it at the time, but now as I sit writing this, I think I do. He's straight. Even if he wasn't dating Maddie. He's straight. It doesn't matter if he's available or not. _He's straight._ I don't know why I even pointed out that he was unavailable. It didn't matter. But anyways…

Since I didn't get at that moment why he was looking at me like that, I just brought up the point that he'd thought I was angry at him, and told him that I wasn't. I told him that I was angry at myself, for falling for the wrong guy. Again. I noticed that when I said this, he stared at the floor; I think he's still a bit uncomfortable with the idea of me liking him. Since he's straight and all. And yet he keeps pushing this friendship thing, which I don't get. So, apparently we can be friends as long as I don't mention the fact that I like him. Yeah, that'll work…..

Since he obviously looked like he wasn't going to say anything else, I said that I'm gay, and out, and proud of it, but that I felt like a monk or something. Single for life and all that. He sounded like he was about to say that wasn't true, and I laughed a bit, saying that Oakdale isn't really any kind of a gay Mecca. His answer was quick, and sounded like he was pointing out the most obvious thing in the world. He told me to move. Of course, that would be the obvious thing to do, but I told him I didn't want to move. What was the point of moving to another city or state to try and find love, when I was leaving behind everyone that I loved here?

I added that my home and family were here, and he looked shocked that I'd said that. And he sounded amazed that I wanted to stay here with my family, as he pointed out that he couldn't wait to get away from his. He asked if my parents were cool with my lifestyle. I laughed just a bit; I usually do when people call being gay a 'lifestyle.' An odd word to use for it, but I guess the English vocabulary limits us sometimes.

But I didn't mention that, and just said that they were cool with it. I mentioned that they'd had a hard time at first. If I was being honest, my mom had a hard time with it. My dad had suspected it for a while, and I think the hardest part for him was just hearing me say it aloud. But they had both accepted it in time.

I guess Noah took that as his cue to bring up the 'us' again, asking if we were cool. I looked at him for a minute, just thinking. I couldn't really tell him that we couldn't be friends. It was hard not to be almost kind of like friends at least, in this work space, since we shared the intern office. With Maddie too, obviously, but still. So I just smiled a bit said, "Sure." The now very familiar awkward tension filled the air, and I took that as my cue to leave. I didn't bother trying to make an excuse this time. He would've seen right through it. So I just said that I'd better go.

So now I'm just sitting here wondering how tomorrow is going to be at the station. Awkward will not even begin to describe it, I'm sure. But there's still a few things I don't quite get. One, is why Noah was so curious about why I liked him. Does it really matter anyways?

Also, no matter how I still try to convince myself that this will turn out the same as it did with Kevin, Noah proves me wrong at every stop. First, he didn't walk off without a word when he found out I was gay. He was ok with it. And now, I tell him that I liked him, and he doesn't threaten to beat me up, he wonders what it is I like about him. And he doesn't say that he could never be friends with someone like me; he asks if we can still be friends anyways.

I know it's crazy, but now I can't help but get my hopes up. No matter how much I try to beat them down; Noah is acting the exact opposite of the way Kevin did, so somehow, I can't help but hope that this whole thing will turn out the exact opposite too. It won't. I know it won't. I don't know why I even let myself entertain the idea that it could possibly turn into something. I've been screaming in my mind for most of the day _HE'S STRAIGHT!_ But the more I tell myself that, the more I wish it wasn't true.

And if he's not gay, I wish he'd at least be a jerk. This would be so much easier if he acted like Kevin did. If he told me that I was a freak and a faggot; if he acted like I was the scum of the earth. Then I could convince myself that he's an asshole. But I can't, because he's not.

He's accepted me, and I wish he hadn't.  
He's not a jerk, and I wish he was.  
He's taking this all in stride, and I wish he wouldn't.  
He wants to still be friends, and I wish he didn't.  
But none of my wishes seem to ever come true lately, no matter how badly I want them to.


	10. August 16, 2007 Part 1

A/N: Hey all! I know I haven't updated this in a while, and I'm sorry for that, but I was trying to finish "What if?" by my November 4th deadline. Anyways, here's the next blog entry! The famous towel-fight scene! Enjoy!

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August 16, 2007  
The beginning of an endless night.

Tonight seemed to go on forever. And it's still not over. I'm back at the station now; I still have to go back out to the farm to bring the horses in before I go home. but too much has happened already, I was scared I'd forget something if I didn't start writing now. And I don't want to forget a second of it. It'll take me long enough to make sense of it with every piece of it, much less with forgotten pieces.

I was in the intern office at WOAK working on the next monologue for "Invisible Girl.." I was having a hard time with it, as usual. Noah and Maddie were always so proud of my work; for once I wanted to write something I could be as proud of as they were, but I was failing miserably as always. Noah's voice interrupted me as he came into the office, asking if I was working. Just a way to start the conversation, as it was incredibly obvious that I was working.

Walking over to the computer desk, I told him that I'd written a monologue, and was trying to get it to 'not bite,' as I phrased it to him. I scratched out a few lines of the monologue and shrugged a bit, pointing out that that would help. I heard him laugh a bit, and say that I was hard on myself. I just looked over at him and smiled, saying that that's what we tortured writers do. I took a seat in the desk chair and asked what was going on. He said that he just wanted to tell me he'd asked Kim for some time off.

The statement made my mind immediately jump to the conclusion that he was trying to avoid me. It wasn't long ago that I'd told him that I liked him, and admittedly, things had been a little awkward since then. Well, for me it was, but as I've said before, things seem so much more dramatic in your head than they actually are, so it might have been perfectly normal to him. But from the way he said that, it seemed like he just wanted to get away from me for a bit.

Before questioning him on that, I first pointed out that I thought he wanted to work as much as possible before classes started so he could save up some money. And of course he had to say it. Noah said that he just wanted to get away for a little while. I looked back down at my notebook, running his words over in my mind. I wondered exactly what it was he wanted to get away from. My mind of course, told me that he wanted to get away from me, and though I knew he wouldn't admit it anyways, I had to ask him.

I told him that he could be completely honest, and asked if he wanted to get away because he didn't want to be around me. He said no, and from the look on his face, I didn't quite believe him. I tried to make him admit it, saying that I could understand how he'd get a bit freaked out after I told him that I liked him. He said that it had nothing to do with me. He said that Maddie and he just wanted to get away for a while. Of course, Maddie chose that moment to pop up, and I couldn't really comment at that point.

I just forced a smile and looked back at my notebook for a second. Thought wasn't a rational thing inhabiting my mind at that moment. I turned back to the notebook and started writing something. I don't even think I was writing coherent sentences. Nothing made sense in my head, why should it make sense on paper? All I could ask was where they were going. Noah said something about a music festival. Maddie asked if I wanted to come, but going along with Noah and his girlfriend to a music festival was not exactly my idea of fun.

I had my eyes trained on Maddie as I answered, unwilling to catch Noah's eye. I told her that if I went, there'd be no one doing any work here, and they obviously wanted to be alone, and wouldn't be if I went. She apologized for leaving me with all the work, but I snapped back, probably a bit ruder than I meant to, that I did most of it when they were there anyways. Maddie, of course, tried to play it off that I was being considerate, saying that I was acting like a jerk so they wouldn't miss me when they were gone.

I just looked up and smiled at her; I finally caught Noah's eye for a split second before looking back down at the notebook, muttering sarcastically under my breath that I was always thinking about others, but I doubt Maddie caught my sarcasm. She's bright, but she hardly ever picked up on my mood changes, so I didn't bother hiding my annoyance as I threw a sheet of paper across the desk and stood up, saying I was going to get some water, and asking if they wanted any.

And if this trip isn't the most screwed up thing I've ever heard of, well, actually I'm pretty sure it is. Not going away to get away from the gay guy? Not trying to prove, yet again, to me that he's straight and likes Maddie? As if he can fool me. I freaked him out when I told him that I liked him. I don't care what he says. He can't just tell me that it had no effect on him. I could see it in his face when I said it. I don't think Maddie has a clue why Noah actually planned that stupid trip. But it doesn't matter anyways. He doesn't have to prove anything to me.

I went into the kitchen, but I guess I forgot to actually get a bottle of water. I was just sort of running things over in my head, and I thought I'd only been in there two seconds before Maddie came in after me, telling me that Gwen was there, and we went back to the office. I smiled and waved at Gwen, not really in the mood to speak at the moment.

I guess they were waiting on me before Gwen made the big announcement. Or rather, announced the big mystery: She and Will were inviting us over for a party, but wouldn't tell us what the party was for. Before Maddie or Noah had a chance to promise my attendance, I said that I wouldn't be able to make it. I caught Noah's eye for a moment. We both knew why I wasn't going. Somehow, since I'd told him that I liked him, we had this way of being able to know these things without speaking a word. It was this same reason, that I didn't want him to know what I was thinking, that made me glance down at the ground before looking back up at Gwen.

So, Maddie took her turn at trying to convince me to go. She started shaking my shoulders, pointing out that I just work, write, rip up what I wrote, and work some more. I could see Noah out of the corner of my eye. He seemed a bit indifferent about if I was going or not. Like he wanted to convince me to go, but didn't want me to go at the same time. I really wonder what he was thinking, but that's a bit off track. Now that I think about it, a lot of my thought process seems to get off track whenever I catch sight of Noah…..Ok, that was way off track.

It wasn't until Gwen said the party was to get Sage's mind off of JJ that I finally decided to go. Might as well join in for the cause. Then she added that she and Will had some news, at which I pointed out that I'd already agreed to go. I laughed a bit and apologized for being such a downer about the party. Gwen said it was alright; apparently they were used to it. Maddie giggled a bit, and I took that to mean that she agreed.

At this moment, I pointed out that my friends were awful, and I needed new friends, the three of us laughing through this entire odd part of the conversation, of course. They knew I'd never leave them to find better friends. It'd be pretty hard to find any better anyways. I turned to walk out, and Maddie asked where I was going. I told her I had to get the production sheet finished before we left. Noah, who'd been completely silent until now, offered to come and help me. I would've been suspicious in front of Gwen if I turned down his help, so I just didn't say anything and walked off, Noah following behind me. The production sheets were dull work, and we just worked in a silence; it was sort of almost awkward, but a bit comfortable at the same time. I'm really not sure how to explain it.

My mood seemed to brighten a lot when I got to the party later. Will had been my best friend for years, and I was pretty eager to find out what the big surprise was. I grabbed one of those party blowers they have at kid's birthday parties, my eyes scanning the room. The decorating scheme seemed to ruin the big surprise, but I couldn't help but smile. So, Gwen was pregnant then; I looked around, trying to find Will to congratulate him, as I'd seen Gwen go into the kitchen with Maddie and Alison and didn't want to disturb them. Weird thing I realized as I walked around the room though, apparently people are less likely to talk to someone with a party blower in his mouth. Wonder why…

I did end up talking to Noah, though. Since Maddie was talking to Gwen, Noah looked a bit uncomfortable, probably because he didn't know very many people here. Actually, I doubt he knew anyone other than Maddie, Will, Gwen or myself. He asked me if guys always threw parties for 'baby things' as he put it. Odd way to put it, I think. I never heard of being pregnant referred to as a 'baby thing.' He asked if that was normal. I just smiled and took the party blower out of my mouth so I could ask him to define 'normal.' He said his dad would freak if he heard of guys our age having a celebration about having a baby. I just raised my eyebrows, still practically grinning, and asked if his dad had something against babies. Then he defined his dad as the typical military guy I expected: old school with traditional family values. Then he pointed out that at least he was here with his girlfriend. I did a sort of mock gasp and pointed out that he was here with a gay guy too, acting like it was a secret he had to keep.

I heard a knock on the door, and Will asked me to get it as he went into the kitchen. I walked towards the door, calling back to Noah to have fun if he dared, blowing that kid's party blower again. Just before I turned my back on him, I saw that addictive smile on his face. Damn, I can't decide if I love it or hate it, but that's off track. Again with the getting off track because of him!!

Anyways, a little while later, Will gathered us all together for a toast, first pointing out that the wine was nonalcoholic, safe for his expecting wife and all. They made a couple odd puns about teamwork, getting a few laughs from the group. Will's little speech was really great, I have to say. He's been one of my best friends for a long time; he was the first person I came out to when I decided to tell people I was gay, and he was always there for me. More than anything at that moment, I was just really happy for him and Gwen. They deserved this kind of happiness in their lives.

Toward the end of it, I glanced over and saw Noah kiss Maddie on the cheek. I caught his eye over the top of her head, and I wondered why he couldn't just lay off the PDA a bit. You'd think he'd be more considerate, at least around me anyways, since I told him how I felt. But that's more than I can expect from him, I guess. I looked back at Gwen as she spoke up, pointing out that what Will meant to say was that they needed all of us to baby sit. They got a few more laughs from that, and Maddie promised baby sitters for them.

Will addressed Dusty, pointing out that even thought Jen was gone, he would still be the baby's uncle because he was still like a brother. Will made the toast to family. Appropriate I guess, since they were adding to theirs.

Maddie, Noah and I were hanging around a bit after the party, and Maddie was telling Noah how great the pond is at my grandma's farm. Noah said he'd never pegged me as a farmer, and I pointed out that I can even drive a tractor. Maddie kept talking about the pond, and Noah finally asked when I was going to invite them out to go swimming. I looked awkwardly at the ground and told them that anytime they wanted to go.

Maddie was quick to suggest that we go tonight. Apparently she said its supposed to be a thousand degrees. Ignoring the fact that she was exaggerating by a lot, I guess it was pretty hot tonight. She and Noah smiled at each other, and I really just wanted to tell them that they could go swimming without me, but I knew Maddie would make a big deal out of it, so I just agreed to it anyways. About that time Maddie's phone rang and she stepped away for a second.

I talked to Noah for about thirty seconds. It was a pointless conversation, I don't even remember what it was about. When Maddie came back, she said there was a family crisis and she had to leave. She left, telling us to have a fun swim, and leaving us in probably the most awkward silence since the moment I told Noah I liked him. I looked up and caught his eye, and we both sort of forced a smile, the awkward tension more than obvious around us, but apparently Maddie hadn't noticed as she ran out on us.

Stalling for time more than anything, we offered to stay and help clean up. When Gwen said we didn't have to, I just pointed out that we couldn't be letting the mom-to-be do everything. Will came over and put an arm around her, saying they'd find someway to keep busy. He gave me a sort of significant look, and Noah voiced what I was thinking, as he pointed out that that was our cue to leave. We set down the plates we'd grabbed, and I gave them one last smile before I followed Noah outside, admittedly, walking a bit slower than I could have.

When we got outside, he turned around and looked at me; I shoved my hands deeper into my pockets, suggesting that we do this another time, when Maddie's here. Admittedly, I didn't mind going swimming with him alone, but I thought it would be best to give him a way out if he wanted it, since I knew it would probably be a bit awkward at some point in the evening. Lately, we always seem to find some way to make an awkward situation, no matter what's going on, and swimming at my family's pond seemed like an invitation for awkward situations.

Surprisingly enough, he went off into one of his best-friend moods, saying that the AC at his place was a joke. I tried to sound as friendly as he did, laughing slightly as I said that we couldn't keep him suffering. He walked off the porch, and I couldn't help but smile a bit as I followed him.

We got to the farm a bit later, and I pointed him to where my grandma kept the extra swim trunks. I changed into mine and started folding some towels from the laundry room when I heard the door from the stairs open, followed by Noah's voice. He thanked me for the swimsuit, and I kind of stuttered a response, babbling something about my grandma keeping lots of extras, adding that we get tons of company out here.

I'm not sure why I got so nervous all of a sudden. I'd seen him with just a towel around his waist, (and off his waist for second, but that's irrelevant,) in Branson, so why was I being so weird about seeing him in swim trunks? I guess it's cause in Branson, I was more focused on the fact that Maddie was standing next to him wrapped in a sheet. Now, there was no Maddie here. I wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing. She wasn't there kissing Noah, so that was good thing, but now there was nothing to distract me from Noah, which was a bad thing….I think…..Dang it! Off track because of him _again!!_

Anyways, he started saying that he wasn't surprised about us getting tons of company. He said it was so homey here. He kept talking, I think, but I don't remember what he said. Because at this point, I picked up the next towel I was folding and turned to face him, only he wasn't looking at me. He was looking out the window, and all I could see was the pale skin on his back shining under the kitchen lighting. The same lights that shadowed and defined every muscle perfectly. My heart was already racing and he'd just gotten here five minutes ago! As I stared at him, I started to wonder what the hell I had gotten myself into by agreeing to this. Maybe I was looking too closely, because I could see the muscles in his back contract slightly as he turned back towards me, snapping me out of my reverie, and my eyes quickly turning back to the towel.

I heard him say that his mom would've really liked it here, and I simply agreed, though I knew nothing about his mom. Voicing the point that he never talked about his mom, I looked back up at him, thankful this time, that he was facing me. Noah said that his died when he was three, and it was just him and his dad after that. I said it must've been hard for him, raising a kid on his own. Noah said that his father's army training came in handy. Sounded like a pretty rough life for a kid, in my opinion. So, as we were heading out, I had to ask what he did for fun.

Of course, nothing with his father's permission. Sneaking out to see the new movies, or staying up late to catch the old classics. Guess he had to see those old movies somewhere. Though I don't know how those ancient movies could ever be related to anything referred to as 'fun.' Ironic that we were outside, in the dark, when he continued with this next part, but whatever. He said that in the dark, he felt like he could escape to anywhere; to a place where anything was possible at any time. Where chaos could reign, but the world would never end. I smiled as he said it, my mind wandering. This, what he was saying, was exactly what I'd wished for so many times. That these things I believed were impossible, could be possible, even if only in a dream world; but the way he spoke made it seem like anything was possible right now. It was more than I could hope for, and I didn't dare hope for anything.

I only smiled and said that that sounded like picnics at Snyder Farm. Expect the unexpected was practically a family motto here on the farm. He said it wasn't like that at his house; rules, regulation and routine. I guess that was the first moment we started to act like two guys that had been best friends for a long time. He said he should make a movie about his dad. I laughed and said he could make a tell-all; it'd make millions. Then he said he'd go out and live the Hollywood lifestyle. I stuttered just a bit, trying to find the right words as I said he must retain his artistic integrity. We laughed for a minute, like old friends would, and I asked if he had his acceptance speech ready yet. He just gave me this smile, somewhere between a smirk and a grin, I think, and said that he'd just have me write it for him after I wrote our first award-winning screen play. A hundred thoughts raced through my mind at that moment, and I couldn't respond. The first thought that stuck out was _He wants to see me again after this internship is over?_ I'd never thought much about what would happen at the end of the internship. I'd just assumed I'd never see him again unless we ran into each other around town. But I'd never actually thought about if he would try and still stay friends with me after it was over. It never really seemed relevant; I just wanted to keep my distance from him.

The only other thing I noticed after he said that, was that after a moment it became really awkward again. I think I was the one who made it awkward, the way I looked at him and leaned back on my heels for a second. I know if we were best friends, a comment like that would've just gotten more laughs and we'd be racing to the pond by now. But we weren't really best friends, and there was just something about the way he said it. Maybe I'm making too much of it, but it was almost like he……

My thoughts broke off as he spoke again, saying that Maddie had been right; it was really hot out here. Maybe it's just me, but I hadn't actually noticed the heat until he said that comment. But again, that's probably me just making more out of it than was meant by it. I just nodded and said that the water would feel really good. He just smiled again and tapped me on the shoulder, saying 'Last one in,' and started running towards the pond. A similar smile finally crossed my face as I ran after him, dropping the towels on the ground beside the pond as I jumped in behind him.

I'm not sure how long we were out there, but after a while of racing from one side of the pond to the other, and trying to drown each other a few times, we decided to go back inside. The awkward moment was long since forgotten, and we were back to the way we had been a few seconds before that, acting like best friends that had known each other for years.

We got back inside, laughing and dripping wet, and Noah was asking who needed an AC when you have your own pond. I agreed, but said it made me really hungry. I walked over to the fridge, pointing out that my grandma keeps it stocked. I pulled the secret recipe chicken wings, three bean salad and corn from the fridge, looked over on the counter and pointed out the fresh tomatoes and honeydew melon. I walked around to the side of the counter where he was and asked what looked good. He laughed, saying that all of it did.

He picked up his towel and threw it at me, saying that I was making a flood. As if he was making any less of one anyways. But that was irrelevant. I threw it back at him, saying it didn't matter. I turned back around to unwrap the food, when I heard him laugh and felt the towel hit me on the back of the legs. I spun around, and he tried to hit me with it again, but I caught it, and we started a sort of tug-o-war match. Then….I don't know what happened. Either he lost his balance, or I'm stronger than I thought I was. Either way, before I knew what had even happened, I was caught between him and the counter behind me.

We were so close. He was supporting his weight with his hand on the counter, my arm laced under his. I could feel his chest rising and falling in uneven tones, or maybe it was just mine that was uneven. My breaths were coming in ragged gasps. We must've been only a couple inches apart. I could feel his warm breath against my face. I could see a reflection of myself in the pupils of his eyes. But what surprised me even more was the look in his own eyes. I could've sworn it reflected the look in mine. But I know what was in mine. And that. That couldn't. Wouldn't. It shouldn't be in his. It wasn't. I was imagining it, I know it. This…desiring look. It was only my eyes reflected in his. I'm sure of it.

He closed his mouth and swallowed. I couldn't have closed my mouth if I tried. If I did, there was no way I could breathe in enough air to keep up with my heart rate. Then the thought crossed my mind that, if possible, made it even harder to breathe. Why wasn't he moving? Why didn't he step back, and just laugh it off, saying that that had been some game of tug-o-war. But he didn't move. He just stayed there, staring at me as long as I stared at him.

I didn't know if I wanted this moment to speed up or slow down. It was, by far, the most tense moment of the night, but it was also the most amazing. Just standing here, so close to him. Him not moving away from me as I thought he would; and it didn't really look like he wanted to move. Somehow, it seemed almost like he wanted to stay there as long as I did.

Now that I sit here and write this, I know that's not how it was. Or at least, that's not how it should have been. If he stayed there like he did, it should have been because he was just shocked, frozen at the sudden closeness; but the more I try and convince myself that that's why he didn't move, the more I can't believe it. I just can't forget that look in his eyes. I'll never forget it. I'd always seen my friends look at each other that way. Will and Gwen, even my parents still looked at each other that way sometimes. All this time, I'd been so sure I'd never find someone who would see me like that, that would look at me with those same eyes, the same eyes I stared at him with. And now, I don't know what to make of it. I never thought Noah would, or could, look at me like that; the way I look at him, but tonight…he did.

I'm not sure how long we stood there. It was probably only a minute, or a few seconds, but, as cliché as it sounds, it felt like an eternity. The snap of the door opening sort of jerked us back to reality, I guess. Noah pushed away from me as quickly as he could, and I looked over to see Maddie looking at us. Apparently she hadn't seen anything, which actually amazed me. She had to be in the door already by the time Noah stepped back. She said something, but I'm not sure exactly what she said. I guess I was a bit distracted…

I caught Noah's eye for a moment, and he looked about as freaked out as I was by what just happened. He immediately walked over to Maddie and kissed her, of course. I mean really, what else would he do after that close, almost intimate moment with his gay friend that likes him? Anyways, I didn't really want to watch, and I was too distracted by my own thoughts, so I turned around and started unwrapping the bowls of food on the counter.

Maddie started saying something about sucking at emotional stuff, and that her brother and Vienna were more depressed now than when she'd gotten there. I turned around and asked if they'd broken up again. My voice probably sounded a bit distant; my mind was distant at that moment, anyways. I caught Noah's eye again. We were both a bit uncertain, I think. Neither of us really knew what to make of what happened.

She said it was just money issues, but nothing a few million wouldn't solve. I just sort of faked a smile and said that at least they have each other. I couldn't help but glance back up at Noah, but he wouldn't look me in the eyes, looking a bit uncomfortable, in my opinion.

Maddie changed the subject from her brother, and just had to bring up the most interesting topic of the night, though not one that I was willing to share with her. She said it looked like she'd missed out on a good time. I leaned back against the counter and forced a slight smile, unwilling to answer. Unfortunately Noah was unwilling to answer too, and Maddie asked what was going on. She said that obviously we went swimming, pointedly looking over Noah's still dripping wet body.

Not really wanting to, or rather not really needing to, follow her gaze, I just glanced down at the floor and said it was great. She looked back at Noah, talking about how great the pond is again. Then Noah said he was hungry, and that they should go grab a pizza. Maddie said that we had a lot of food here, and that it looked like we were about to start eating anyways. I glared at him suspiciously and said that we were. What was he playing at anyways? Suddenly he had to get away from me? If he gets as far away from me as possible, he thinks it will have never happened? As if going out with Maddie will make it like this never happened?

I really couldn't believe him. Then he tried making some excuse about not wanting to clean out the fridge from my grandma. I said that no one cares. I guess Maddie didn't notice his need to get away from me, or the cold stare I was giving him. He must've been incredibly desperate to get out, because he said that now that Maddie was here, he just wanted to take her out. Weird. Somehow I can't help but think that if Maddie had been with us the whole time, we'd be eating leftover chicken wings right now. What an odd coincidence…I was under the strangest impression that we had actually originally planned to all hang out here for most of the night.

Anyways, he asked if I minded; what could I really say? If he wanted to pretend this didn't happen, at least not when Maddie was around. I just scoffed a bit and asked why I should mind. Of course, I thought he would pick up on what I meant by that, but I knew Maddie wouldn't. But apparently Maddie did realize that I wasn't too happy about it, because she asked if I wanted to come. I was about to decline the offer, but Noah beat me to it. If I wasn't sure he was trying to avoid me before, I was definitely sure of it now. I almost wanted to yell at him that he couldn't just run away from this; that he could avoid me for as long as he wanted, but that wouldn't make it so that this never happened, but I couldn't do it in front of Maddie.

He caught my eye for a second, but looked back down, though I didn't look away from him. Maddie picked up on it, and asked why Noah didn't want me to come with them. She asked if we'd gotten into a fight. Noah denied it before I could say anything, though, and told me that that was rude of him. I just glared at him. I didn't need his apologies for being rude. I was used to it by now anyways. Still hated it more than I could say, but I was used to it.

Noah said that he just wanted to be alone with Maddie. I just nodded and looked at the floor. I really didn't want to listen to this right now. I'd given up trying to get an actual reason out of him. He dodged it at every corner. Maddie said they could be alone later, and he started saying that there was something he wanted to talk to her about. Not really feeling like arguing anymore, I just told them to go. Maddie said that this was stupid, but I told her that they should just go. Honestly, I just didn't want to put up with this right now. My head was still reeling from what had happened, and I just needed time to figure out what had actually happened.

That was probably the only time since Maddie came in that Noah looked me in the eye for more than half a second, when he thanked me and said something about a rain check. I just said it was no problem, though my suspicious glare never left his gaze. He took Maddie's hand, and she said she'd see me tomorrow. I could tell she was still a bit confused by what was going on, but thankfully she didn't question it. They walked past me and I turned to watch them leave. Noah picked up his shirt and threw it over his shoulder, glancing back at me for a second before following Maddie outside. It almost looked like he wanted to say something to me, but thought better of it. But I might have been making more out of it than it was.

After they left, I reached down almost automatically and picked up that blue and green towel we'd been fighting over. Weird how so much can happen in a split second. Just in joking around, and turn into….I don't even know what to call it…

Anyways, I changed clothes, and got ready to go back down to WOAK to finish some work, and start on the next monologue for 'Invisible Girl.' Katie and Brad came in as I was leaving; I answered their questions without much thought, my mind only present enough to tell them that Parker was sleeping over at a friend's, and he left a phone number on the table.

I got back to the station, my usual notebook in hand to start on the next monologue. Pulling out a chair at one of the tables, I stopped for a moment, and picked up a green striped shirt from the seat. It was Noah's, I'm sure of it. Even if it wasn't, the simple thought made me remember the, (for lack of the English vocabulary's ability, yet again, to give me a good word of meaning,) incident earlier. I can still see that look in his eyes, clear as if he was staring at me right then. I muttered under my breath, asking no one in particular what that was.

I looked down at the shirt again and shook my head, tossing it into another chair and sitting down, admittedly, speaking out loud to myself that it meant nothing. I started to wonder how many times I'd have to say it before I believed it….As I sat down, I couldn't help but look back over at the shirt, wondering if it bothered Noah as much as it bothered me.

But now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not sure if that was even Noah's shirt after all. Noah had been wearing that red plaid shirt earlier with an orange shirt under it….hang on. Can I actually remember what he was wearing? Damnit. I need to get a grip. This is getting crazy.

So I started typing up a draft of the monologue. Every word, every question that had filtered through my mind today came onto the screen. Everything that I couldn't say to Noah's face, Maddie would in the clips.

So now I'm sitting here at the station. I just finished the monologue, and I think I'm about to leave. I still have to bring the horses back into the barn before I go home. Maybe I'll talk to Noah when I see him next. Maybe I can talk to him alone tomorrow, or later tonight if he's back at the station by now.

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A/N: Well? What did you think? Please leave me a review and tell me!


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